Shaving 101 with Professor Nova

There is NOTHING like sweet shaven snatch, my Novanites. It makes your Novanator wail like a fat-assed opera singer stretching his vocal chords to the limit – or like a heavy metal guitar player shredding his ax with a multitude of infectious notes.

(Say, you still remember heavy metal music, don’t you? No? Do you remember rock & roll at least? You know – original music with drums, electric guitars, and big-haired groupies in the audience? NO?! Man, I fuckin’ HATE today’s music. Justin Timberlake is an asshole. I hope he gets raped by a Haitian drug-mule, that untalented FUCK. Would serve him right.)

Anyways, back to pussy:

Yes, diving in on a smooth pink taco is something your Master of the Technique enjoys almost as much as eating a primo sandwich.

Now, lapping up a delicious cootch is not for all fellas. A lot of guys will tell you that they don’t like going south. Well, I hate to break it to ya kids: if you don’t munch a little south of the border, your girl is going to find some other cock to suck. It is true.

Cunnilingus seems to be a cultural thing. I’ve banged plenty of babes who used to go out with brothers, and for whatever reason, black guys don’t like to gnaw on the anatomical taco. I say to my Negro Novanites: Pour some hot sauce on that cooter and pretend it’s a Buffalo Wing! ‘Cause why do you think that fine sister dumped your lazy ass to be with me? It’s because I ain’t afraid to get my face dirty!

Think about it: If you enjoy her gorging on your jang, why wouldn’t you return the favor? It is not all about you, now is it? Well, in my case it is. But for some reason I like making bitches squirm in delight, so I use my love of eating snatch to my advantage. However, I will only behave like a cat lapping milk if the pussy is smooth as silk.

Now fellas, you and I know that a bald cootch is a big turn-on. In that respect you can use your love of Egyptian hair-removal (check your history books) to protect your face. So if you want to stay top dog in her life, tell her you’ll happily use your tongue for her pleasure if she does one thing:

Get rid of the hairy beaver!

Being your helpful Professor, I have even provided some reasons you can give your vaginally-challenged significant other in the form of a letter you can deliver (along with some razors and some shaving cream).

Before you give her the information, start the conversation delicately like this:

“Honey, would you mind shaving your repulsive hairy-ass snatch? I want to eat you out good tonight.”

“What the FUCK did you just say?!” she’ll ask in disbelief (she’ll probably also start to get wet at the thought of oral sex).

Your reply will be soft and gentle: “Wait a minute, darling, hear me out. Here is a piece of paper Professor Nova gave me, it explains everything…”

Then you’ll hand her this:

Dear Buxom Beauty with the Nice Clitty,

Hi, this is Professor Nova. I know you are thinking “Hey, who the hell are you?” Well, I don’t have time to explain everything to you right now, so please shut the fuck up, my sweet. One day I will sit you down on my lap and tell you about the wonders of the Ultimate Pleasure Device, the Hummingbird Technique, the Novaverse, and how to make a great sandwich…

But not today! I know you are curious, sweet-tits, but it will have to wait until another time.

Where was I? Oh yeah…

Babycakes, you gotta shave your snatch for your man. Wait! Before you hit him, hear me out. He really loves you and wants to you to be happy. He is willing to go south on you so that you can receive bliss, but on only one condition:

You have to shave your pubic hair.

Hey, before you rip this letter to shreds, take some time to read the reasons I have come up with – thanks to hours upon hours of careful scientific research and intense oral gratification.

So, without further ado, I present my case as to why your snatch should be bald and beautiful:

1. No hair in the teeth!

Do you really like hair in your teeth when you suck on your man’s jang? Hell no! Nothing ruins the mood like having to gag on a pube. But it’s even rougher for us guys since we have to dig a little deeper to get to that G-spot. You’re simply mouthing a fleshy shaft; we’re tunneling through a thorn bush! Shaving it off provides a clear view of the pleasure zone and zero turbulence when approaching the runway.

2. Health reasons.

I don’t want to get nasty, but do you know how many microbes love to live in pubic hair? Just lather up, use the razor and get rid of those pesky bastards forever!

3. You’ll look better in a bathing suit!

No worries about nasty pubic hair sticking out from your bikini like octopus(sy) arms if you just shave it all off. Send me a picture in of you in your hottest swim attire and let Professor Nova rate your camel toe!

4. Better chance of getting a modeling contract.

Hey, I may hate models, but they are well paid. You love money, don’t you hon?

5. You won’t get the jang if you don’t shave it off.

It’s true. You love getting pounded by hard cock, don’t you?

I hope this helps you make the right decision. Your man really wants to please you, but won’t do it unless you make one tiny sacrifice. I promise you will love it and you will be happy. And it looks better as well.

Now, you might be a little offended. You might even think, “I won’t shave my snatch for anyone! I’ll just find a new man who’s attracted to my hairy bush!” I hate to break it to you toots, but any guy who’s turned-on by hairy body parts is probably a closet homo. So why bother going down that route? Stick with this man. Shave your pubes, make him a sandwich, and treat him right.

—Professor Nova

If you gentlemen need to print this letter out to give to your lady, go ahead. By all means, I am more than happy to help. The more pussies that get shaved, the better off our planet will be. Less cheating, more productivity due to healthier sex lives, and less problems all the way around.

Ladies, if you don’t want to do it for your man, do it for the good of the world – and for me, your humble Novanator!