Living Together

There comes a time in many a relationship when this unholy question escapes the lips of the slow-witted bachelor: “Hey, most of your shit is over here already, sugar-tits – why don’t you move in?”

After this, the man who uttered such a horrendously foolish statement punches his mind from the inside. It was fuckin’ foolish to say this, and the BEST he can hope for is that his girlfriend will say, “No, that’s OK! I RESPECT your personal space and wouldn’t DREAM of intruding upon your sovereign apartment! In fact, why don’t I grab you another beer and perform oral sex while you watch some nice cartoons on TV? Tee, hee! Here, you can rest the remote control on the top of my head.”

Yet for some inexplicable reason, this response almost NEVER happens. Instead, the lady usually replies with fiendish glee: “That sounds perfect, honey! Here, lemme put your scrotum in a leash and redecorate this shithole of an apartment. Hey, let’s replace your marijuana bong and AC/DC poster with some pictures of small children holding flowers. And clean up your crap, for fuck’s sake – you LOSER! This is OUR home now.”

Fellas, if you are thinking of asking this question, bury it DEEP away. And consider what you will be giving up:

1. Sleeping in. Unmarried women ALWAYS wake up earlier than us. It’s some strange genetic code melded into their DNA. Women have no concept of “resting away” a hangover… and some of them even go to church on Sundays, where they tell God about all the bad things you’ve done. Think about it: Do you REALLY want a rat living in your house? It’s best to keep girlfriends and Deities in the dark.

2. Boxing on HBO. Good luck getting her to watch THIS on a Saturday night. She’ll most likely want you to take her out for dinner at some pretentious restaurant that doesn’t even serve nachos. (And a good rule of thumb is, if the bathroom urinal has a fresh urine mint, you’re paying at least 50% too much for your drinks. Order water and bring a flask.) Better hope to get a blowjob out of the dinner date, at least. But sadly, once a bitch lives with you, she won’t EVER buckle her knees until you get your face dirty first, if you know what I mean.

3. Having other women spend the night. It’s so much harder to cheat when you’ve got your new housemate eating Twinkies on the couch, watching one of those bullshit MTV teen-and-relationships shows. Unless she is into threesomes, you better get used to her face – and her face ALONE – every single fuckin’ morning of your life… and that morning face doesn’t come with makeup. Sure, she looks semi-good with lipstick, her hair teased, dim lighting and a quart of whiskey coursing through your system – but how is she gonna look lying on a pillow with her hair 16 ways from Sunday, fiber pills on the nightstand, wet farts escaping her ass, and drool dangling from her mouth like long strands of spaghetti?

4. Freedom. She may accept your ball scratching, your beard trimmings, dirty dishes… but you will NOT be allowed to piss in the sink because you are too lazy or drunk to go the bathroom. And forget about urinating in an empty beer can ‘cause you don’t wanna miss any of the game. Fuck, forget about leaving the ROOM without giving Madam Warden a full report on where you’re going and when you’ll return.

I could go on with MANY more arguments for days and days and days. Yeah, you might say you’re in love and that it will last forever… but c’mon, man. Don’t be a naïve asshole. We all know in this day and age that isn’t true. Most relationships fail. So why go through the mess of becoming a unit when you can keep her at arm’s length and fuck her when the timing is right?

Remember: Your home is your castle. Keep up your drawbridge or surrender your kingdom.

The Best Ways to Let a Girl Down Easy

There comes a time in all relationships when you MUST let the girl go. Perhaps she has become boring, an annoyance, or a downright liability. Maybe she cut her hair too short or gained five pounds over Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter the reason; you must find the best way to deep-six the skank without making her feel bad – or seek revenge on your ass.

And let’s face it, fellas, it’s far better for her to think you’re an asshole than for her to lose any self-esteem. ‘Cause any woman who’s fucked-up enough to date a loser like YOU is probably nuttier than one of Mr. Peanut’s bowel movements anyway. No need to push her COMPLETELY off the cliff.

I found that one good way to do let her down easy is to tell her that you are gay. “Hey, so I like the cock. Yum, yum. Let’s go to that gay bar and see if anyone will push my stool in. Hand me a beer bottle! First I’ll drink it, then I’ll sit on it. Yum, yum.”

She’ll be either instantly repulsed by you, or – in some SICK circumstances – actually TURNED ON by the challenge. Hey, she might even like guys who take the cock. But that’s a rarity. More often than not, she’ll call you a fag, punch you in the balls, throw your PlayStation through the window and never talk to you again.

(And OF COURSE you don’t like the cock! And as a guy, it’s gonna KILL YOU to even CLAIM an attraction to the inside of another dude’s sweaty asshole. Get over it. And remember, your PlayStation can always be replaced.)

And what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Hey, it ain’t like you were 100% honest and upfront with her, is it? Did you tell her about all of those German movies you downloaded? Did you tell her about the gang-bang with that dirty little Mexican hooker? Did you tell her about that time in the 10th grade when what you THOUGHT was a simple fart turned into an unexpected bout of diarrhea? Hell no. And a relationship is NO TIME to suddenly start being honest.

Sometimes, claiming to be gay will even work to your sexual advantage. Her friends might think that your newfound queerness is all HER fault; for whatever reason, she’s simply not able to please you – which means that all of her hot little girlfriends will be there to console you and try to get you back on the vag. Women are INSANELY competitive with one another – and NOTHING would make a chic happier than banging a dude who found one of her close, personal friends completely unattractive.

Women are weird.

Another classic way to get rid of a bitch is to get drunk constantly. Girls hate that. Mr. Nova once got rid of a girl using this technique in conjunction with another tried and true method: being an absolute pig. Mr. Nova pounded two 23 oz Guinness beers and three shots of Irish whiskey over lunch. Mr. Nova ate a huge plate of tacos while she watched. Belches commenced along with extreme flatulence. And what happened? She still kept calling. But if at first you don’t succeed…

See, this just proves that girls LIKE assholes. You just gotta take it further, fellas. Push that envelope! Make fun of her dog, piss in her sink, shit in her closet, whatever it takes. Mr. Nova once took a huge bong hit in a car outside a nightclub, went in and consumed three pitchers of Newcastle Brown Ale – along with two pounds of spicy Buffalo Wings. He saved the aftermath for when she came home. His poor girlfriend had to clean up more puke than that scene from Stand by Me.

She still loved him. So he went ahead the next night and passed out on her while he was fucking her in the bathroom at a party. He was too heavy to get off of her. Shit all over himself as well. Poor girl had to wait for someone to come in to pry Mr. Nova from her naked, soiled flesh.

She broke up with him the next day.

If that is what it takes, that is what we have to do, fellas. The point being that once you want to get rid of a girl, you don’t ever want her calling you again. Ever. These methods will make sure she thinks you are nothing but a rotten pig… and protects her from feeling bad about herself and going on a man-hating binge. The LAST thing we want to see is a crying girl in a sports bar holding a bouquet of dead flowers and a shotgun.

It also sets up your friends for their shot at her for rebound sex.

Just looking out for you all.