Damn if I wasn’t drunk off $1 pitchers – and happy from 10 cent wings. Dick and I had just gorged on beer and food at a local watering hole, and were ready to hit the college party scene. As we stumbled down the street towards our destination, I could feel the twilight fill the sky. It was moments like these – drunk but still aware – when my mind was most dangerous… and open to telepathic communication.
That was when the Mr. Nova from Universe SX sent me a message across the cosmic channel:
“Nova! It is me! It is you! What up, homey?” his voice called from beyond.
At first I furiously shook my head, trying to shake these strange sounds out of my mind. I was getting freaked out. I popped open the emergency beer I always keep in my jacket pocket and pounded its sweet nectar, hoping it would make Nova SX go away. But it didn’t work. I tried not to let Dick notice that my counterpart from another universe was communicating with me… but who writes a handbook on how to keep your parallel self a secret anyway? I was in virgin territory, like the time I fucked that Miss Teen USA contestant.
“What’s wrong, Nova?” Dick asked.
“I… I gotta take a piss, Dick,” I babbled. “I am going to go behind this tree to squeeze the weasel. I gotta shake hands with Mr. Destiny. Gotta drain the main vein. Um… Be right back!”
Dick didn’t know what the fuck was going on. He just stood there in a drunken stupor and stared at a gaggle of giggling coeds. I went behind the tree and started to let Nova SX have it.
“Stop bugging me!” I yelled aloud to inter-dimensional Nova. “I don’t care that you ARE me! I have beer to drink and snatch to pound! Besides, you’re ripping off that ‘Bill & Ted’ movie! Do something original!”
Inside my mind he replied, “You don't have to shout, just use your thoughts, Brother Nova. I have something urgent to tell you...”
I realized that I was still pissing and lost my concentration. Man, that’s a LOT of piss. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, how much beer had I been drinking?! I must have let out a gallon of yellow liquid – at LEAST. Damn my bladder! I looked down and realized that the grass would die from my toxic urine. It STUNK too. It smelled like a Hindu outhouse. But there were no more voices in my head. Nova SX was gone from my mind...
I wondered what he was trying to warn me about. I stumbled up the embankment to rejoin Dick. He was lying down on the side of the road, half-asleep. I kicked him in the side.
“C’mon Dick! We’ve got snatch to find!”
He staggered up off the ground and we continued on towards the party. I sent a message out to Nova SX, hoping it would get to him. I don’t know how I did it; I just concentrated and looked within myself – within the inner Novaverse.
“Fellow Nova,” I said (thought): “I have long pondered if there were others like me. Men who had found a way to maximize pleasure with the ladies. You have found me and I want to know more about other Novas across space and time – but tonight is not the night to wax philosophical about the Great Beyond! Tonight is the night to get drunk and get laid!”
Even though I remained your confident Novanator – ready to drink and score with beautiful bitches – Nova SX’s sense of urgency still weighed heavy in the back of my mind. What did it mean? Can an alternate reality really exist? Do all Novas share one soul, or are we all uniquely part of God’s divine plan?
And how do I get the piss stains out of Levi’s?
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