The College Years, Part V: 6:00 a.m. in the Morning...

The kegs were kicked and the party was winding down at the ZAP House. Most of the partiers had either staggered back home, or found places to pass out – be it in on couches, the floor, or inside of a coed’s vagina. Your Novanator, as usual, was reviewing his options for carnal debauchery:

“Ok, you – the red-head with the tiny tits and great ass. Why should the Big Novowski choose YOU as his hook-up partner?” I demanded.

Tiny-Tits Red giggled. “You should choose me ‘cause I want you to join my threesome! Tee-hee!”

This sounded promising. “Very good, my Novaslut. Who’s the other bitch that’ll be joining us?”

Tiny-Tits mischievously grinned. “Who says the other person has to be a female? Would you ever join a threesome with one girl and another GUY?”

“Absolutely,” I said. “But only if I get to fuck the girl first – the other guy ain’t in the room with me at the time – and I can leave when I’m done to eat my sandwich.”

“That – that’s not what I want!” pouted Tiny-Tits.

“I really give a shit, Flatty. Dismissed!”

Tiny-Tits stormed off. Who the fuck did she think she was anyway?

Next in line: “You – the brunette with the monster jugs and the nose piercings – what do YOU have to offer the Novanator?”

Monster Jugs lipped her lips. “Oh, baby! I wanna massage your back and suck your dick ALL NIGHT LONG! I wanna sleep with your dick in my mouth, sucking away like it’s a pacifier!”

Interesting. “So far, so good,” I admitted.

And then she smiled at me. Crap! She had a mouth full of braces. No fucking WAY I’m gonna let my stain-stick sleep on the railroad tracks.

“Sorry, Juggy, but I can’t risk a puncture wound on the Novacock. Call me when your mouth is de-wired.” Monster Jugs burst into tears and ran away. Must’ve been her time of the month, or something.

And right there – as Allah is my witness – the most AMAZING blonde walked before me. Huge tits, an iron-hard stomach, and a perfectly round ass. Her legs stretched forever and her lips sparkled with pre-sperm goodness. I nearly shot a load in my pants.

“Hi, Mr. Nova!” she purred… in a strange accent that I couldn’t quite place. “I’ve heard so much about you! And I’d like for you to take me home and fuck me proper! Not only that, but I want you to fuck my new friend, too!” She pointed to another babe who was staring shyly at the floor, but DEFINITELY sneaking a peak at my package. Whoa – it was the bass player’s girlfriend! And everyone told me that she was a stuck-up bitch!

Strange…

But hey, who am I to argue? A fuck-fest is a fuck-fest. And that blonde – she was hotter than Oprah’s thong after running the Boston Marathon. Hotter than Satan’s pitchfork in late July.

As everyone knows, the Novanator has nailed THOUSANDS of sluts throughout the years, but I don’t think I had EVER nailed anyone sexier than that blonde. Imagine Jessica Alba – but with blonde hair… and a better body… bigger tits… a better ass… Caribbean blue eyes… and an insatiable expression of lust splashed across her face.

“Alright, Blondie. You got yourself a deal!” I took her by the hand, and we all walked back to the bass player’s girlfriend’s apartment. (And that girlfriend, by the way, walked behind us without ever saying a word – just like an obedient robot. I felt like a sexual pied piper… but was it MY skin-flute she was following? Or something else?)

We entered the abode and Blondie immediately dove for my richard. “Calm the fuck down!” I said, pushing her off. My bladder was bursting at the seams. “Wait right here. Just start kissing each other, or something. Nova has got to take an angry piss.” Ain’t I a romantic?

“Ok Nova, but hurry back,” they said in unison, like a pair of sexually-connected twins. I looked back when I reached the bathroom door and saw that they were locked in a passionate lezzie embrace. Tongues were jousting. It was a glorious sight. I hoped that soon some spanking would commence.

With a smile on my face I went into the bathroom and proceeded to urinate. Almost immediately, I started to feel a voice calling to me from beyond:

“Nova, you’ve done it!” Nova SX exclaimed from his distant homeworld. “By pissing so much a second time, you have knocked the transmission between our universes back into alignment! Seriously, though, I do think you might have an infection. When was the last time you drank some cranberry juice?”

“Shut up!” I shouted. “I am getting ready to bang out these crazy bisexual bitches I just met! And stop staring at my unit while I’m pissing!” I was getting so frustrated with this meddling interplanetary voice that I was pissing all over the place – spraying the bathroom floor like an out-of-control fire hose. The bass player’s girlfriend’s collection of Cosmopolitan magazines was drenched in my acid urine. Countless perfume ads were surely ruined. I redirected my stream and finished up.

“Nova, are you Ok in there?” Blondie inquired.

“Yeah, just give me a minute!” I said in an uncharacteristically agitated tone. “Go back to kissing, you whores!”

Then the strangest thing happened: Nova SX appeared in the bathroom mirror. He seemed happy that he had discovered a way to contact me visually.

“Greetings, Nova! It is me, Nova!”

“Dammit! You scared the shit out of me!”

“Well, if that is accurate, then this looks like the correct place to have done it. Should I give you time to clean up?”

“No, you didn’t literally scare it out of me! It is a figure of speech on this planet,” I explained to him.

This was getting very strange. The ladies were waiting and I was having a conversation with my parallel self through the bathroom mirror.

“Nova, I have come to warn you!”

“Again? You gonna tell me that I’m in danger again, or something? Look, the only danger I faced tonight was from an angry horde of drunken students who wanted to kill my friend Dick ‘cause he wouldn’t vacate the bathroom and let ‘em piss. That was it.” Dammit, I was drunk, angry, and horny for a threesome. Not the best combination. But do you know what is a GREAT combination? Turkey, pepper-jack cheese, mayonnaise, mustard, onions, green peppers, pickles, and jalapeno peppers – on a Kaiser roll. Oh, baby! Maybe after I bang these broads I can talk one of ‘em into making me a sandwich…

“No, the danger has yet to pass, Brother Nova,” he said through the mirror. I wanted to punch his stupid blue face. He looked like a Smurf version of me.

“Look, as long as my cock still functions I will bang out hot shaven snatch across the globe. Now leave me alone, you interfering blue-faced bastard. You are the worst cock-blocker I have ever met, or talked to, or communicated with through a cosmic channel. Listen, we’ll discuss this tomorrow. I got to bang them out now!”

“There won’t be a tomorrow if you go back in there,” he ominously warned. “Examine those bitches closely. Does anything seem a tad askew? Is one of the bitches acting as if she’s under a mind control trance and acting out of character? And does the other bitch seem as if she doesn’t quite fit the profile of your typical college frat-slut?”

I then experienced a moment of great clarity. “Wait a minute. One of those chics is the sub-dimensional bounty hunter you warned me about! Isn’t she? The blonde, right?” Blondes always want to kill me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I laugh at ‘em if their drapes don’t match their carpet. (It’s false advertising, dammit.)

“I didn’t want to say...”

“I get it now, you evasive fuck! Why couldn’t you just tell me out right?!”

Nova SX looked grim. (Well, as grim as anyone could look through a cosmic channel relayed through a bathroom mirror.) “I had to let you find out by yourself. If I had told you at first, you wouldn’t believe me – and then it would be too late. But the cosmos knows about you, Nova. It wants you gone. Why do you think the police stole your Ultimate Pleasure Device? Why do you think you have already had visits from the Grim Reaper?”

“You know about that bitch?”

“Yes, Nova. She can cross the cosmic divide to ALL universes. I have outwitted her five times already. I fear, though, that the next time she will take me.”

“Yeah, she does suck,” I sympathetically said. “She’s got nice tits, though.”

“Nova, listen to me. The cosmos has many agents at its disposal. I am public enemy number one – constantly on the run and never at peace. And because I’ve proven that Novas possess the unique, godlike power of 100% sexual pleasure, all Novas are at risk! And you especially, for your genetic composition most closely resembles that of my own. Blondie over there plans on capturing your ass and taking you back to my planet as her sex slave. And stop smiling! Being a sex slave is no fun in my universe. You’ll be forced to fuck old fat women. So if you value your freedom, you MUST evade her sinister clutches!”

“How do I do that?” I asked. My worst fear was losing my freedom (just after my fear of knocking some girl up, losing control of my bowels on a first date, and clowns). On planet earth, male freedom was forfeited via monogamy – but now, my freedom was threatened by something decidedly intergalactic.

The girls were really getting impatient in the other room. “GET BACK IN HERE AND FUCK US, YOU BASTARD!” they shouted. And you know, they made a compelling argument. Blondie was REALLY, REALLY hot.

“Don’t go back in there,” Nova SX pleaded. “As for how to escape, you must exploit her weaknesses. Remember, she is from my world – and as I told you in the Novaverse, on my planet, the men have one testicle and the women have two clits.”

“I understand,” I said, bowing my head in low homage.

“Good luck, Brother Nova. Until our next meeting...” And then Nova SX disappeared from the bathroom mirror.

I walked out into the room where the two girls lay in wait. They had already stripped down to their bras and panties, and were wrapping their legs around each other like good little lesbians.

“Come to bed Nova,” Blondie cooed seductively. She twirled the hair of the musician’s girlfriend. The Novacock was fighting like an angry black man for the lack piece of fried chicken, literally BEGGING me to let him out of my drawers and into the female honey pot. But was I strong enough to keep him in check? It was like tugging on a marlin at high sea.

I walked over to the couch. Bam! I bitch-slapped the FUCK out of the musician’s girlfriend with the back of my hand – knocking her ass out of the couch and unconscious atop the floor. Now, just for the record, it ain’t Nova-style to beat-up women – not even when they burn one of my sandwiches – but this was for her own good. If she was under a mind control spell, then her life was in jeopardy. Knocking the cunt out was a necessary precaution.

Alarmed, Blondie scooted over in the couch. “Nova, why the hell did you do that?!”

“Calm down, Sugar-Britches – that’s how we swing on earth. There’s something I need to show you…” I unbuttoned my pants and whipped out the Nova-balls.

“My GOD,” she whispered. “TWO balls! I’ve… I’ve never seen anything like that!”

Of course she hadn’t. As Nova SX told me, on her planet, the guys are all uni-ball. But I still had a trump card to play: “There’s one thing else you haven’t seen. Slide open your legs, bitch.”

Blondie narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “You know who I am, don’t you? That bastard Nova SX must’ve somehow warned you of my mission, didn’t he? It doesn’t matter. You fate is sealed, Earth Nova. We’ve studied Nova SX for a very long time. We know all his filthy secrets – from the Dirty Sanchez to the Donkey Punch to the Angry Pirate. He knows all the sexual tricks in the cosmos – and we know ALL he knows! There’s nothing you can do to evade my capture, foolish earthling. Your fate is sealed! You WILL be my prisoner!”

“If my fate is sealed, what do you have to lose?” I asked. “I’m unarmed.” I rolled up my sleeves and loosened my wrists. “Just humor me. Open your fucking legs!”

Maybe it was curiosity – or maybe it was overconfidence. Either way, Blondie parted her thighs and allowed the Novanator to work his magic.

I warmed up my fingers, cracking my knuckles a few times and shaking my joints loose. I only had one chance to get this right… or risk spending all my days fucking fat alien grannies.

Finally, I was ready for action! “Blondie,” I stated, “Nova SX is a very wise man. He knows much of the sexual arts. He knows more than me. But the one thing he doesn’t know – the one thing he COULDN’T know – is the ultimate technique invented by yours truly. You see, Blondie, I am the Master of the Hummingbird. The Hummingbird Technique overwhelms the clitoris of earth-babes, bringing them to the point of mind-numbing ecstasy. But earth girls only have ONE clit! Imagine what happens if I do the Hummingbird on a girl with TWO clits!”

Blondie looked confused – as if she didn’t quite understand her predicament. It didn’t matter. I slid over her panties and surveyed her twin clitorises. With both hands, I latched onto her clits and began working feverishly.

“OOOOHHH MMMYYY GOOOOODDDD!!!!!! WHAAAAAT ARRRRRE YOOOOU DOOOOOING TOOO MEEEEE!!!!!!” Blondie screamed. The pleasure cortex of her alien brain couldn’t handle the orgasmic rush. Trust me: The Humming Bird Technique KICKS THE FUCKING SHIT out of the Dirty Sanchez. It creates a feeling of such intense pleasure that the recipient’s mind loses its ability to engage in cognitive thought. In other words, it’s sort of like tequila – only more so.

And I didn’t stop. I kept the Hummingbird Technique going for one solid hour! Most one-clitted women can barely handle the Hummingbird for more than a few minutes. Imagine having TWO CLITS and feeling the wrath of the Hummingbird for an entire fucking hour!

By the time I finished, Blondie was a drooling, two-clittie invalid. Her brain was destroyed; her body reduced to jelly. Boogers were free-falling from her nose; drool poured from her mouth like a pedophile at Boy Scout camp.

The Big Novowski had escaped!

I high-tailed it back to my three-room apartment and tightly locked the door. Once in bed I crashed for a good 14 hours. I eventually awoke to the phone ringing. Dick was on the other line, telling me about how he left the ZAP House – but in his drunken, woozy state, he walked two miles in the wrong direction. A strange person took pity on him and drove him home. According to Dick, this person looked like me… only his face was blue. Could it be? Was that Nova SX?

I pretended to not know anything. I didn’t tell him about Nova SX, the Novaverse, interplanetary bounty hunters, or any of the other strange things I discovered.

“What did you do after I left?” Dick asked.

“I drank some beer, Dick. I drank some beer, rubbed a few clits, and called it a night…”