Gold Diggers

“First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.”

—Tony Montana, Scarface

“First you tell them you have money, then you act like you have power, then you hit it – quit it – and say you wasn’t with it!”

—Mr. Nova

Mr. Nova is not the richest man in the world. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I wasn’t even born with a wooden spoon in my mouth. I started working at age 14. I have a piece of shit station wagon with 111,000 miles on it. I am not materialistic in any way, shape or form. My only hobbies are fucking beautiful women and drinking beer. Unfortunately, one of the two is much more expensive than the other. A pitcher of shitty domestic beer is only about $8. A night out with a woman can foreclose an entire bank account.

So how do I do it? How do I bag countless babes without being a movie star, a politician with a cigar, an athlete, or a rapper with a phat car?

Confidence. Just like Wolverine says: “I am the best there is at what I do.”

When women see confidence… they are DRAWN to it, like a moth to a flame, or a pyro to a Zippo. The bitches can’t help it. I’ll give you an example: Two guys walk into a bar. They’re both about the same weight and height. They’re both fairly good looking – but not male models, by any stretch of the imagination. Guy #1 shoves some drunken clod out of his way, steals a seat at the bar, yells out an order of Jack & Coke, sees a hot piece of ass fiddling with a cigarette, and suavely offers her a light.

The other guy sticks his hands in his pocket, looks at the ground, waits in line for the bartender, and asks for a strawberry daiquiri.

Now, which one of the two is gonna walk home with a woman?

You’re goddamn right.

Plus, Mr. Nova likes to lie. A LOT. And women BELIEVE him. He especially likes to lie to women known as Gold Diggers. You know these women – they’re looking for an ATM with a penis. And their vag only accepts American Express Platinum.

Well, I can play the part… even if my ATM has an “Out of Order” sign stuck to the center screen. And lest you think, “Aw! That’s not nice Mr. Nova – lying to girls like that!” you gotta remember that Gold Diggers BY DEFINITION are liars! They PRETEND to love you for who you are… but actually only care about how many digits you’ve got on your bank statement. Hey, you’ve heard of preemptive war, right? Y’know, the strategy that worked so wonderfully in Iraq? Well, this is preemptive lying. And I do this to defuse the Gold Digger’s weapons of mass testicular destruction.

These bitches think that I’m confident because I’m a hot-shot, big-time, money-making asshole. And I do nothing to correct their horrendous miscalculation. I lead them on, letting these shallow cunts believe that I’m worth more than I am. It gets them so wet when they feel that I might be their passport to a Mercedes in the garage and a beach house in San Diego. Of course, what I’m really setting this particular group of women up for is what I like to call Nova-Vengeance. I do it for all the fellas who got dicked-out of money by some money-hungry broad.

To enact revenge I like to pick a bar about thirty miles away from where I live. I dress really nice in the one suit I own. Then I get a little drunk at the bar, start playing with a $20 cigar, and begin eyeing the preening chic that’s attracted this brand of Nuevo-yuppie cocksucker. This exchange usually happens:

“Mr. Nova, I want to fuck sooooo baddddd… Let’s take your new Jaguar convertible for a spin and then head back to your beachside penthouse!”

“Ah baby… I would love to… but I have had a lot to drink and I gotta go to a meeting in the morning. I am probably going to take a cab home – and besides, I wouldn’t want to put you in danger by drivin’ drunk.”

“But I LOOOVE danger, Mr. Nova!”

“And I love that sweet ass you got, but I don’t want to put it at risk just because I’ve had a few too many. ‘Sides, one of those DUIs could cost me my rep.”

“Ok…”

“Look, I gotta seal the deal with these bastards from New York… hey, I need a little something that will give me the edge tomorrow, put me in a great mood so I can get this million dollar account. Let’s head to the bathroom and fool around.”

“But the bathroom… c’mon, I’ll drive. My apartment is right around the corner…”

“Baby, you are more wasted than I am. Let’s just go back there and you can give me a blowjob so I can remember you better… And I PROMISE, I’ll call you first thing tomorrow morning and take you out for lobster, martinis, and caviar tomorrow night. Play your card right, sweet-tits, and I’ll buy you a car.”

It works! Then, post-hummer, you watch her as she goes to the ladies room to “freshen-up.” And as she disappears from view, you turn and run outside to your piece of shit station wagon and bounce. She returns to the bar and discovers that Mr. Nova Moneybags is history – and Little Miss Gold Digger is stuck with the $80 bar tab! HA! Nova rules!

This is how a player does it, boys and girls. If Mr. Nova ever sees the girl again, he just says he was too drunk, stumbled outside and hailed a cab. Unfortunately, he lost her number when the maid did the wash.

It is so easy. So fucking easy. These bitches are too blinded by their pursuit of money to notice the finer details of the Nova-orchestrated conspiracy. There’s no mark easier than a greedy mark.

Dumb bitches.

So Gold Diggers beware: Even if you figure me out – I still got what I wanted. You’ll get nothing from me but a smile and a middle finger. And that middle finger smells like sweet, hot gold-digging snatch…

The Best Ways to Let a Girl Down Easy

There comes a time in all relationships when you MUST let the girl go. Perhaps she has become boring, an annoyance, or a downright liability. Maybe she cut her hair too short or gained five pounds over Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter the reason; you must find the best way to deep-six the skank without making her feel bad – or seek revenge on your ass.

And let’s face it, fellas, it’s far better for her to think you’re an asshole than for her to lose any self-esteem. ‘Cause any woman who’s fucked-up enough to date a loser like YOU is probably nuttier than one of Mr. Peanut’s bowel movements anyway. No need to push her COMPLETELY off the cliff.

I found that one good way to do let her down easy is to tell her that you are gay. “Hey, so I like the cock. Yum, yum. Let’s go to that gay bar and see if anyone will push my stool in. Hand me a beer bottle! First I’ll drink it, then I’ll sit on it. Yum, yum.”

She’ll be either instantly repulsed by you, or – in some SICK circumstances – actually TURNED ON by the challenge. Hey, she might even like guys who take the cock. But that’s a rarity. More often than not, she’ll call you a fag, punch you in the balls, throw your PlayStation through the window and never talk to you again.

(And OF COURSE you don’t like the cock! And as a guy, it’s gonna KILL YOU to even CLAIM an attraction to the inside of another dude’s sweaty asshole. Get over it. And remember, your PlayStation can always be replaced.)

And what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Hey, it ain’t like you were 100% honest and upfront with her, is it? Did you tell her about all of those German movies you downloaded? Did you tell her about the gang-bang with that dirty little Mexican hooker? Did you tell her about that time in the 10th grade when what you THOUGHT was a simple fart turned into an unexpected bout of diarrhea? Hell no. And a relationship is NO TIME to suddenly start being honest.

Sometimes, claiming to be gay will even work to your sexual advantage. Her friends might think that your newfound queerness is all HER fault; for whatever reason, she’s simply not able to please you – which means that all of her hot little girlfriends will be there to console you and try to get you back on the vag. Women are INSANELY competitive with one another – and NOTHING would make a chic happier than banging a dude who found one of her close, personal friends completely unattractive.

Women are weird.

Another classic way to get rid of a bitch is to get drunk constantly. Girls hate that. Mr. Nova once got rid of a girl using this technique in conjunction with another tried and true method: being an absolute pig. Mr. Nova pounded two 23 oz Guinness beers and three shots of Irish whiskey over lunch. Mr. Nova ate a huge plate of tacos while she watched. Belches commenced along with extreme flatulence. And what happened? She still kept calling. But if at first you don’t succeed…

See, this just proves that girls LIKE assholes. You just gotta take it further, fellas. Push that envelope! Make fun of her dog, piss in her sink, shit in her closet, whatever it takes. Mr. Nova once took a huge bong hit in a car outside a nightclub, went in and consumed three pitchers of Newcastle Brown Ale – along with two pounds of spicy Buffalo Wings. He saved the aftermath for when she came home. His poor girlfriend had to clean up more puke than that scene from Stand by Me.

She still loved him. So he went ahead the next night and passed out on her while he was fucking her in the bathroom at a party. He was too heavy to get off of her. Shit all over himself as well. Poor girl had to wait for someone to come in to pry Mr. Nova from her naked, soiled flesh.

She broke up with him the next day.

If that is what it takes, that is what we have to do, fellas. The point being that once you want to get rid of a girl, you don’t ever want her calling you again. Ever. These methods will make sure she thinks you are nothing but a rotten pig… and protects her from feeling bad about herself and going on a man-hating binge. The LAST thing we want to see is a crying girl in a sports bar holding a bouquet of dead flowers and a shotgun.

It also sets up your friends for their shot at her for rebound sex.

Just looking out for you all.

Lying: A Man’s Best Friend

Lying is a great way to save the girl you love a lot of heartache. It’s a caring, considerate gesture. With a few well-placed lies, you’ll never have to go through countless hours of fighting. No longer will there be a need to file restraining orders, ice-down your nuts, or retrieve your bunny Fluffy from the boiling pot.

Here is how you do it:

Example 1

Hypothetical: You are cheating on her with that cheap slut named Pamela who is a waitress / hooker at the local pub.

The Lie: “Honey, I need some time with the fellas. Here’s your chance to go with your friends to watch that movie about the plain-looking girl who meets Mr. Wonderful while taking dance lessons, or whatever. You know I get a violent reaction to those stupid chick-flicks! Now, it is only until last call and I promise to call a cab home if I have too much. I love you!”

This type of general comment does four important things:

1. Creates an alibi. “Hey, I was at the bar. I know you called up there, but I was helping Jimmy out. He was drinking too much because he got into a fight with Amy. He ended up in the bathroom puking his brains out. Poor bastard. He kept telling me how lucky I am to have you.”

2. Turns the focus of the conversation back to her. Reminding her of the things she does in her free time makes her more sympathetic to your chance to hang with the boys.

3. Lets her know when you will be home. You better fuck the waitress really good in a short amount of time. You are getting away with cheating here – it’s best to stick to your story and return home when you say you will.

4. An excuse for being limp. If she’s inexplicably horny when you arrive, you’ve got a reason for your flat tire: alcohol! “Sorry, baby! I guess I had more to drink than I thought. Looks like a case of whisky-dick. We’ll make love tomorrow – I promise!”

Example 2

Hypothetical: You lost some money on the Super Bowl. Ok, you lost $1,000 gambling at the casino. And your car is being held until your check clears.

The Lie: When she asks, “Honey, where’s your car?” you reply, “At the shop, damn thing is going to cost me $1,000.”

She, being an idiot about anything mechanical (sans her vibrator), responds, “That sucks.”

Now, seeing that she’s suddenly sympathetic, you go in for the kill: “Yeah. I’m awfully sad now. Can we have sex? That will make me feel a lot better.”

All you gotta do is pawn some of her jewelry and make sure your check clears. Take a cab the next day, saying you are going to pick your car up at the shop. No need to elaborate anymore. Most women don’t care about the details of fixing cars. If she asks, use the knowledge you gleaned from documentary films such as The Fast and the Furious and Gone in 60 Seconds.

Example 3:

Hypothetical: You got arrested for urinating in public and never made it home last night.

The Lie: This is trickier, necessitating the help of a friend.

Call up your lawyer buddy – the dorky guy you knew in college who never got laid and thus spent his free time reading and stuff. Have him call your girl up and say that you’re doing him a huge favor by driving to a nearby state to pick up something. It’s a big emergency and a client’s freedom rests on its outcome. The reason the lawyer can’t do it is that he has to be in court in the morning. The lawyer will also explain that you left your cell phone by accident. Once released on bail, wait a few hours and call her from a pay phone – collect, of course.

Check into a hotel, wash up and go home the next day. If you were urinating in public you were probably pretty wasted, so it is best to look sober… but tired.

And never ever introduce your lawyer to your own girlfriend. Always keep this a mystery. Plus, if she asks about anything, you can always claim lawyer / client confidentiality, or use some of the other buzzwords you remember from My Cousin Vinny.

Final Point

It is easy, isn’t it? Lying gets you what you want: peace. It creates a world of beautiful, intricate façades that makes sure your life never will be stressful – and keeps the kinky sex flowing.

Kinky sex! Your girlfriend is a kinky bitch, right? If not, you might have to be honest about your relationship’s future.

Dump her ass! Hey, why lie to yourself?