Here is how you do it:
Example 1
Hypothetical: You are cheating on her with that cheap slut named Pamela who is a waitress / hooker at the local pub.
The Lie: “Honey, I need some time with the fellas. Here’s your chance to go with your friends to watch that movie about the plain-looking girl who meets Mr. Wonderful while taking dance lessons, or whatever. You know I get a violent reaction to those stupid chick-flicks! Now, it is only until last call and I promise to call a cab home if I have too much. I love you!”
This type of general comment does four important things:
1. Creates an alibi. “Hey, I was at the bar. I know you called up there, but I was helping Jimmy out. He was drinking too much because he got into a fight with Amy. He ended up in the bathroom puking his brains out. Poor bastard. He kept telling me how lucky I am to have you.”
2. Turns the focus of the conversation back to her. Reminding her of the things she does in her free time makes her more sympathetic to your chance to hang with the boys.
3. Lets her know when you will be home. You better fuck the waitress really good in a short amount of time. You are getting away with cheating here – it’s best to stick to your story and return home when you say you will.
4. An excuse for being limp. If she’s inexplicably horny when you arrive, you’ve got a reason for your flat tire: alcohol! “Sorry, baby! I guess I had more to drink than I thought. Looks like a case of whisky-dick. We’ll make love tomorrow – I promise!”
Example 2
Hypothetical: You lost some money on the Super Bowl. Ok, you lost $1,000 gambling at the casino. And your car is being held until your check clears.
The Lie: When she asks, “Honey, where’s your car?” you reply, “At the shop, damn thing is going to cost me $1,000.”
She, being an idiot about anything mechanical (sans her vibrator), responds, “That sucks.”
Now, seeing that she’s suddenly sympathetic, you go in for the kill: “Yeah. I’m awfully sad now. Can we have sex? That will make me feel a lot better.”
All you gotta do is pawn some of her jewelry and make sure your check clears. Take a cab the next day, saying you are going to pick your car up at the shop. No need to elaborate anymore. Most women don’t care about the details of fixing cars. If she asks, use the knowledge you gleaned from documentary films such as The Fast and the Furious and Gone in 60 Seconds.
Example 3:
Hypothetical: You got arrested for urinating in public and never made it home last night.
The Lie: This is trickier, necessitating the help of a friend.
Call up your lawyer buddy – the dorky guy you knew in college who never got laid and thus spent his free time reading and stuff. Have him call your girl up and say that you’re doing him a huge favor by driving to a nearby state to pick up something. It’s a big emergency and a client’s freedom rests on its outcome. The reason the lawyer can’t do it is that he has to be in court in the morning. The lawyer will also explain that you left your cell phone by accident. Once released on bail, wait a few hours and call her from a pay phone – collect, of course.
Check into a hotel, wash up and go home the next day. If you were urinating in public you were probably pretty wasted, so it is best to look sober… but tired.
And never ever introduce your lawyer to your own girlfriend. Always keep this a mystery. Plus, if she asks about anything, you can always claim lawyer / client confidentiality, or use some of the other buzzwords you remember from My Cousin Vinny.
Final Point
It is easy, isn’t it? Lying gets you what you want: peace. It creates a world of beautiful, intricate façades that makes sure your life never will be stressful – and keeps the kinky sex flowing.
Kinky sex! Your girlfriend is a kinky bitch, right? If not, you might have to be honest about your relationship’s future.
Dump her ass! Hey, why lie to yourself?
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