The Best Ways to Let a Girl Down Easy

There comes a time in all relationships when you MUST let the girl go. Perhaps she has become boring, an annoyance, or a downright liability. Maybe she cut her hair too short or gained five pounds over Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter the reason; you must find the best way to deep-six the skank without making her feel bad – or seek revenge on your ass.

And let’s face it, fellas, it’s far better for her to think you’re an asshole than for her to lose any self-esteem. ‘Cause any woman who’s fucked-up enough to date a loser like YOU is probably nuttier than one of Mr. Peanut’s bowel movements anyway. No need to push her COMPLETELY off the cliff.

I found that one good way to do let her down easy is to tell her that you are gay. “Hey, so I like the cock. Yum, yum. Let’s go to that gay bar and see if anyone will push my stool in. Hand me a beer bottle! First I’ll drink it, then I’ll sit on it. Yum, yum.”

She’ll be either instantly repulsed by you, or – in some SICK circumstances – actually TURNED ON by the challenge. Hey, she might even like guys who take the cock. But that’s a rarity. More often than not, she’ll call you a fag, punch you in the balls, throw your PlayStation through the window and never talk to you again.

(And OF COURSE you don’t like the cock! And as a guy, it’s gonna KILL YOU to even CLAIM an attraction to the inside of another dude’s sweaty asshole. Get over it. And remember, your PlayStation can always be replaced.)

And what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Hey, it ain’t like you were 100% honest and upfront with her, is it? Did you tell her about all of those German movies you downloaded? Did you tell her about the gang-bang with that dirty little Mexican hooker? Did you tell her about that time in the 10th grade when what you THOUGHT was a simple fart turned into an unexpected bout of diarrhea? Hell no. And a relationship is NO TIME to suddenly start being honest.

Sometimes, claiming to be gay will even work to your sexual advantage. Her friends might think that your newfound queerness is all HER fault; for whatever reason, she’s simply not able to please you – which means that all of her hot little girlfriends will be there to console you and try to get you back on the vag. Women are INSANELY competitive with one another – and NOTHING would make a chic happier than banging a dude who found one of her close, personal friends completely unattractive.

Women are weird.

Another classic way to get rid of a bitch is to get drunk constantly. Girls hate that. Mr. Nova once got rid of a girl using this technique in conjunction with another tried and true method: being an absolute pig. Mr. Nova pounded two 23 oz Guinness beers and three shots of Irish whiskey over lunch. Mr. Nova ate a huge plate of tacos while she watched. Belches commenced along with extreme flatulence. And what happened? She still kept calling. But if at first you don’t succeed…

See, this just proves that girls LIKE assholes. You just gotta take it further, fellas. Push that envelope! Make fun of her dog, piss in her sink, shit in her closet, whatever it takes. Mr. Nova once took a huge bong hit in a car outside a nightclub, went in and consumed three pitchers of Newcastle Brown Ale – along with two pounds of spicy Buffalo Wings. He saved the aftermath for when she came home. His poor girlfriend had to clean up more puke than that scene from Stand by Me.

She still loved him. So he went ahead the next night and passed out on her while he was fucking her in the bathroom at a party. He was too heavy to get off of her. Shit all over himself as well. Poor girl had to wait for someone to come in to pry Mr. Nova from her naked, soiled flesh.

She broke up with him the next day.

If that is what it takes, that is what we have to do, fellas. The point being that once you want to get rid of a girl, you don’t ever want her calling you again. Ever. These methods will make sure she thinks you are nothing but a rotten pig… and protects her from feeling bad about herself and going on a man-hating binge. The LAST thing we want to see is a crying girl in a sports bar holding a bouquet of dead flowers and a shotgun.

It also sets up your friends for their shot at her for rebound sex.

Just looking out for you all.