30 Minutes of Doggystyle

Mr. Nova loves booty. He loves nice, healthy round asses. Bubble butts. Ass cheeks that need a good spanking. So long as there is no cellulite, the bigger the better. The Novanator does NOT love skinny, beanpole, anorexic bottoms that feel like jawbreakers when you squeeze on them while fucking. Consider me Sir Nov-a-Lot.

Mr. Nova is always on the lookout for the perfect ass – and I am sorry to say, that bitch J-Lo never had it. P. Diddy bought it for her anyway, had it implanted several years ago so she could appeal more to the black market (at least, that’s what I read on the Internet, so it’s GOT to be true). No, Mr. Nova likes natural ass. The kind of ass you can be proud to bring home to Momma: “Hey Mom, look at the birthing hips on this one! C’mon! Give it a squeeze!”

In my sexual quests and orgasmic odysseys I have come (cum) across booties that would make grown men cry – and bested young punks who think they’re Mack Daddies. These idiot kids spend their days IMing one another and shaving their sack in the bathroom, instead of learning proper sexual techniques. Meanwhile, good ol’ Nova is pounding the butt cheeks like a blacksmith beats iron.

Many fellas I have met along the way share my belief that an ass must have some cushion for the pushin’. I used to work with some crazy Mexican dudes and they would comment on this subject all day long. It was a profession for them, grading pairs of the golden ham hocks like Olympic judges. I can still remember what my Mexican friend said to me one day while were discussing a potential Friend with Benefits:

“You see that culo (‘ass’ in Spanish) over there, Mr. Nova? Look how skinny it is. She needs to eat something. I could cook her up some burritos. Cook that bitch plenty of meat and put some hot sauce in it. I would also bang out her pink taco, sure, but I fear that I might break her in two with my cock. I would fuck her way too hard, like a sledgehammer. I am like fucking Speedy Gonzales when it comes to my pumping motion, but I am also like a turtle in how long it takes to spurt my Spanish-flavored sauce. I would make sure that I reamed her out nice and long. But she would be pleading in pain for me to stop, I am sure. No way that bitch could take 30 minutes of doggystyle!”

I laughed and replied, “Yeah, bitch needs to get some protein in her diet. Probably a vegetarian who misses her meat products. Gotta fatten up her ass. I know! Maybe I’ll give her an injection of Doctor Nova’s deep-throat dietary supplement! Time for a little bit of vitamin Nova!”

“You are one crazy muthafucker, Mr. Nova.”

“Shut up and pass me the nachos, Peppi – or I’m callin’ I.N.S.”

He was right about the girl’s ass. She had fallen prey to the Madison Avenue belief that being a 97-pound waif was attractive. She probably puked out everything she ate in a pathetic attempt to catch a man’s eye. I personally blame those fag fashion designers for only hiring lamppost-looking models. Sure as hell ain’t a HETEROSEXUAL who picks these models. Real men like big tits and nice curves. Fuck the American media for making that girl feel bad about herself! She should just make sure she exercised and watched less television. Then she could eat like a healthy girl and have enough energy to fuck for hours.

So I decided to test my friend’s theory out. Could this girl last for 30 minutes of hardcore, from behind, toe-curling, ass-reaming doggystyle?

“Hey, honey, my name is Mr. Nova. You’ve probably heard of me. No? Well, you WILL. I’m the man your mother WARNED you about, sweet-tits. What are ya doing tonight...”

I had the skinny thing back at my apartment a few hours later. She wanted to fuck BAD, but I had to make sure she would stay wet for a long time. So I broke down and did some foreplay. One thing I know about skinny girls: They are terrible kissers. Their damn teeth always knock against yours – and being on top of them is like lying down with a skeleton. (Not that I’ve ever laid atop a skeleton, except that one time I got drunk in a morgue and started feeling horny. Yup, even after all those years, that Marilyn Monroe is still one TERRIFIC fuck. Next up is Aaliyah! But I digress.)

I did a pretty good job with my Hummingbird Technique and brought her close to climax. That was when I decided to make her get on all fours like a doggy and fuck her good. Five minutes into the sex session and she was doing fine. She bucked against me like a horse trying to dismount a rider. I thought for a moment that she might have what it takes. Eight minutes in, I checked my watch and gave her a good spank on the ass.

“Good girl! Nova likes you! Here’s your carrot!”

At the thirteen minute mark she began showing signs of wear. (Plus, I was getting tired myself, but GOD BE DAMNED if I was going to surrender!) After fifteen minutes of Nova-pounding she screamed, “C’mon and cum already!”

I decided to pull out and lay a fatty on her sweaty backside. Bitch failed me.
She washed off and came back to bed. “Feel better?” she asked me.

“No.”

She was stunned. “Why?” she inquired.

“I bet that dirty Mexican I could bang you doggystyle for 30 minutes and you only lasted half that time! Now I owe him $50. Do you have any idea how much beer and nachos I could’ve bought with that $50?!”

She was shocked. “I could just lie to him and tell him we made that far.”I gave her a little nudge on the chin with my thumb. “Sorry, kiddo. I can’t lie to the bastard about something like this. It just ain’t my style.”