Living Together

There comes a time in many a relationship when this unholy question escapes the lips of the slow-witted bachelor: “Hey, most of your shit is over here already, sugar-tits – why don’t you move in?”

After this, the man who uttered such a horrendously foolish statement punches his mind from the inside. It was fuckin’ foolish to say this, and the BEST he can hope for is that his girlfriend will say, “No, that’s OK! I RESPECT your personal space and wouldn’t DREAM of intruding upon your sovereign apartment! In fact, why don’t I grab you another beer and perform oral sex while you watch some nice cartoons on TV? Tee, hee! Here, you can rest the remote control on the top of my head.”

Yet for some inexplicable reason, this response almost NEVER happens. Instead, the lady usually replies with fiendish glee: “That sounds perfect, honey! Here, lemme put your scrotum in a leash and redecorate this shithole of an apartment. Hey, let’s replace your marijuana bong and AC/DC poster with some pictures of small children holding flowers. And clean up your crap, for fuck’s sake – you LOSER! This is OUR home now.”

Fellas, if you are thinking of asking this question, bury it DEEP away. And consider what you will be giving up:

1. Sleeping in. Unmarried women ALWAYS wake up earlier than us. It’s some strange genetic code melded into their DNA. Women have no concept of “resting away” a hangover… and some of them even go to church on Sundays, where they tell God about all the bad things you’ve done. Think about it: Do you REALLY want a rat living in your house? It’s best to keep girlfriends and Deities in the dark.

2. Boxing on HBO. Good luck getting her to watch THIS on a Saturday night. She’ll most likely want you to take her out for dinner at some pretentious restaurant that doesn’t even serve nachos. (And a good rule of thumb is, if the bathroom urinal has a fresh urine mint, you’re paying at least 50% too much for your drinks. Order water and bring a flask.) Better hope to get a blowjob out of the dinner date, at least. But sadly, once a bitch lives with you, she won’t EVER buckle her knees until you get your face dirty first, if you know what I mean.

3. Having other women spend the night. It’s so much harder to cheat when you’ve got your new housemate eating Twinkies on the couch, watching one of those bullshit MTV teen-and-relationships shows. Unless she is into threesomes, you better get used to her face – and her face ALONE – every single fuckin’ morning of your life… and that morning face doesn’t come with makeup. Sure, she looks semi-good with lipstick, her hair teased, dim lighting and a quart of whiskey coursing through your system – but how is she gonna look lying on a pillow with her hair 16 ways from Sunday, fiber pills on the nightstand, wet farts escaping her ass, and drool dangling from her mouth like long strands of spaghetti?

4. Freedom. She may accept your ball scratching, your beard trimmings, dirty dishes… but you will NOT be allowed to piss in the sink because you are too lazy or drunk to go the bathroom. And forget about urinating in an empty beer can ‘cause you don’t wanna miss any of the game. Fuck, forget about leaving the ROOM without giving Madam Warden a full report on where you’re going and when you’ll return.

I could go on with MANY more arguments for days and days and days. Yeah, you might say you’re in love and that it will last forever… but c’mon, man. Don’t be a naïve asshole. We all know in this day and age that isn’t true. Most relationships fail. So why go through the mess of becoming a unit when you can keep her at arm’s length and fuck her when the timing is right?

Remember: Your home is your castle. Keep up your drawbridge or surrender your kingdom.