Drunk by Noon, Part II

My Novanites, I was scared. And I know that seems utterly impossible – the legendary Novalicious getting weak knees ‘cause some She-Death skirt stood in front of him. Fuck, I have stared down cops, disgruntled feminists, and countless husbands who’ve wanted to kill me because I banged out their wives’ sweet snatch (They always learn that their wives have been Novatized when they ask their ladies, “Why is your pubic hair shaved? You never did THAT before! And your pussy seems so much looser now. Hey, did you know that you’re bleeding from the asshole? And where did all my beer go? What the FUCK is going on?!!!” HA! Nova rules! But I digress.).

Thoughts of the Grim Reaper ALWAYS made me want to hide out in some dark, safe place, with only my 12-pack of beer to comfort me. True, I had previously envisioned the Grim Reaper as a fictional creature of mythology, ala Vampires, Medusa and Jack LaLanne. But to my abject horror, the Grim Reaper stood before me, smiling a toothy grin.

It didn’t help the Grim Reaper was so fucking hot! You may think the Grim Reaper is all bones with a black-hooded cloak and silver scythe. Not true, my beloved Novanites! The Reaper is hot, with pasty white skin and blazing red hair. She must have had a boob job, too. Those puppies are distracting! But really, is it surprising to ANYONE that the Reaper is a woman? Hey, how many guys have gone to an early grave because some ditzy dame drove them over the edge?

I had a beer in hand. I looked down at the bottle: My passport to death.

She smiled and said, “I have waited a long time for this, Nova. You should have paid attention to you Father’s warning: ‘Drunk by noon, dead by dusk.’ Looks like I will be taking you to Hell shortly.”

I wanted to run, but like a real (stupid) man I stayed my ground. I was NOT going to let this bitch beat me (unless by “beat” you mean “beat my meat” – heh, heh). I had to stand up to her. Too many times before she had threatened me. Like when I was so drunk I slept in the middle of a gravel road. Or that weeklong peyote trip. Or the time I was almost blown up by a bomb.

“I will not die today, Reaper!” I stated with confidence. “And I will not follow you to Hell! You know I do not believe in the existence of Hell and that makes me exempt from your accursed Christian fear campaign!”

“Well said, Nova.” She paced in front of me. DAMN she looked good. I would’ve LOVED to bend her over the motel’s continental breakfast buffet table, lube her ass with those runny eggs, and make her scream for mercy. “You may have cracked the Christian Fear Doctrine, but that doesn’t make you a god. You still fear death. So I have manifested myself as that which you think you understand, yet know nothing about. And that, young Nova, is a woman!”

“Fuck that shit! I understand all I need to know about women! All you want is money and power! So I take a little back each time I pound some snatch. I am looking out for every man who has what it takes to punish the pussy, but can’t get a piece because some small-cocked asshole Yuppie bastard snags it first!” I guess the others in the hotel lobby couldn’t see the Grim Reaper ‘cause they started staring at me, whisking away their young children. But fuck them! I know what I saw. And I knew what I had to do.

But did the Reaper know what SHE had to do? Lady Death became very silent. She stopped her pacing and stared me down. She finally asked after a long pause: “You do this for them? You sacrifice a normal life for one so fucked up – just to avenge your fellow man?”

“If my sick, twisted plight somehow provides hope to those men who’ve had their nuts torn to shreds by vindictive bitches, well, then it was a plight worth living,” I told Lady Death. “I’ve recorded all my exploits and shared them with others in this blog, so they might learn of the feminine horrors that ensnarl us all. So, to answer your question, ‘HELL YES YOU STUPID WHORE!!!’ Instead of targeting crazy, evil bitches all the time, I coulda married a demure Asian sex slave who’d treat my pale white shlong like it was a GOD! Now, are you gonna end this here or do I gotta drink myself to death?!”

I was pissed. But she was calm. She showed resolve.

“You DO care for them. That is your weakness. But it also shows strength.” She stopped. She had a decision to make. “Ok Mr. Nova, I will let you live this once. But there is something you must do for me...”