Mr. Nova’s Guide to Interracial Dating

Variety.

When you get stoned and stumble into the neighborhood Baskin-Robbins, you can choose from many different flavors. You may love mint chocolate chip. Your friend may go for a root beer float. Your ex might love plain vanilla. (Just for the record, Mr. Nova HATES plain vanilla – so don’t even ask him to have a scoop. I’ve had vanilla before. Vanilla is BORING. When I was Boy Nova, I had lots of vanilla ice cream cones at McDonald’s – and now I want something different. And take it from Professor Nova: vanilla tastes a hell of a lot better when it has chocolate syrup on it, some cherries, or even those damn sprinkles. Strawberry shakes are quite satisfying. Let’s not even get started on rocky road…)

Now, let’s turn this analogy around to dating. Do you go into Baskin-Robbins and pick plain vanilla every single fucking time? Of course not. You are open-minded about your choices. And just because you don’t understand the complexities of jamocha almond ice cream doesn’t preclude you from at least trying it. If you don’t like it you can always say, “Hey, it’s not for me, but somebody out there is gonna love it.” And the next time you’re at the ice cream store, you grab your spoon and try something different.

Apply this to the First Law of Nova: Fuck any girl that you find attractive.

(The Second Law of Nova is: Every woman is a whore but Mom. I’ll tell you the rest if the laws later.)

Ok, so your parents aren’t happy with you dating a girl outside of your religion. They found it strange when they discovered your collection of Big Black Booty porn mags. They’ll disown you if you marry a Mexican.

Fuck them all to hell. Fuck what your parents think. Fuck what your friends think.

Do you believe for one goddamn moment that I let the opinions of others preclude my dick from having its way with some hot snatch? Of course not! Hot is hot. Or, in the immortal words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ: “Fuck any bitch that makes your trousers twitch.” I’ve sampled all the mouth-watering morsels from God’s feminine buffet table, rarely eating the same dish twice. Unfortunately, too many narrow-minded morons fail to grasp this concept. These five examples will shed some light on this complex topic. Grab your notepads, boys and girls, and listen to Mr. Nova deflate a few stereotypes regarding race and ethnicity:

Stereotype #1
“Once you go black you can never go back.”

Ah, white girls that date black guys are often called many names: Mudsharks, nigger-lovers, etc. They say that once you taste the black cock, you never will date a white guy again. This is so wrong in Mr. Nova’s case. I have fucked four different women who used to hop on the dark chocolate. One was even married to a black guy and she divorced his lazy ass for me! I didn’t do this to disrespect the brothers – hey, homey, we have the same taste in women! I did it because I felt like it. I wanted some sweet poon and I took it – Nova style.

Jeah.

White girls date black guys for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s to shock their parents, sometimes it’s to flip society the bird, and sometimes (but rarely) it’s because they truly love the brother for who he is. But the MAIN reason is because of the myth that black men own amazingly large penises. Now, I haven’t seen too many black shlongs in my day, being – y’know – heterosexual and stuff, so I can’t vouch for this myth’s credibility. Either way, if you start dating a white chic who used to date black guys, you can safely assume that for her, SIZE MATTERS! So if you ain’t packing meat, don’t bother knocking on the door.

Stereotype #2
“I don’t see a lot of black girls with white guys.”

I have fucked so many black girls I lost count – and this was even before the O.J. trial. All white dudes owe OJ a HUGE debt of gratitude ‘cause the Juice made it EASY AS HELL for white guys to bang hot black babes. Because of OJ, black babes are now AFRAID of black men – and thus covet the white cock the way dykes covet fresh batteries. (Alas, white girls will still bang black men ‘cause the “big dick” myth matters more than not getting killed, I guess.)

Black girls have some of the finest curves and greatest bodies on this planet! But let me tell you something first hand: a lot of ignorant redneck muthafuckers will give you some shit for spreading those purple pussy lips. And the brothers will look at you like you are stealing their Nubian princess when you hold hands with her while walking down the street.

To the rednecks: So I went muddy – who gives a shit? Deal with it, you needle-dicked pieces of inbred jizz. Mr. Nova ain’t gonna be taking any dating lessons from some narrow-minded hillbilly who keeps his crooked cock inside his sister’s mouth. By the way, Uncle Jesse: NASCAR is for queers, the South got its ass kicked in the Civil War, country music is for losers, and Barack Obama has a bigger dick than Ronald Reagan!

To the brothers: Deal with it, homies. You act so fucking PROUD when you bang some blonde chic – but when we step onto your precious African-American turf you get so defensive it makes me want to bitch-slap you back to reality. Besides, I’m doing you guys a favor: By the time I get tired of Tawanda & Shannana and toss their oversized asses to the curb, they’ll know a lot more tricks between the sheets! So enjoy that trick she can do with the carrot – she learned it from yours truly.

Stereotype #3
“Jewish girls are prudes and need to be carefully courted.”

Ha! Here’s all you need to know, kiddies: Monica Lewinski is Jewish. The Children of Israel produced some of the most splendid carrying cases for cooters in the world. So many hot babes – Sarah Michelle Gellar, Alicia Silverstone, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, and more. You owe it to yourself to spread that Jewish snatch like a bagel and sample all its goodies. Spin her legs like a dreidel! Jewish girls will do all the nasty stuff you desire – and then they’ll make you some chicken soup. It’s win-win. (Just don’t buy ‘em any cubic zirconium jewelry ‘cause they WILL know the difference. Oh yes. ‘Course, as a general rule, you really shouldn’t buy ANY woman jewelry.)

Stereotype #4
“Asian women are insatiable sex-slaves!”

Asian pussy is fantastic… but an hour after eating it, you get hungry again. Unfortunately, Asian babes are just like any other babes – you have your nympho freaks who make their own duck sauce… as well as those snobby cock-teasers whose legs close at their knees. So pick your sushi order carefully. One word of caution: Asian girls tend to have EXTREMELY coarse pubes, so if you go down on Lucy Liu for a few hours, you’ll likely develop burn marks on your mouth. The solution? Lather and shave her twat, of course.

Stereotype #5
“I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl from a different race.”

All pussy is the same, fellas. All pussy is beautiful in its own special way. We have hot hairy cooters and freshly-shaved pink tacos! We have European pussy, Black pussy, Indian pussy! Pussy makes the world go around. And trust Mr. Nova on this – all pussy, no matter its place of origin – wiggles when licked. So get your faces messy and start licking!

Here is what I recommend to make the world a better place:

1. Go out and marry a girl of another race and have lots of babies. The sooner we can blend the colors, the sooner we can end prejudice. (Not that I really give a shit about ending prejudice and racism, but I’ll GLADLY exploit any opportunity to get laid. Nova rules!)

2. Fuck some women from the Middle East and videotape it. Mail it to the nearest embassy. Let those dickless terrorists know that we can fuck women better than they can. Make sure you get the girl pregnant too – and name the baby George W. Bush Junior. Raise him Jewish, just to fuck with ‘em.

3. Next time you see someone dating someone of a different race, don’t get all pissed off. Go up and congratulate them. They are standing up to an unspoken belief that far too many people hold.

Fuck popular opinion. Fuck what people think.

Go out and fuck somebody. Do it with flavor.