The Hummingbird Technique

Take your seats, boys and girls. Professor Nova is here with the lesson of the day. Quiet down! Hush! Hush! You, the cheerleader with big tits in the corner – quit talking! Or I might have to bend you over my desk and spank you in front of the entire class. And stop playing with your pom-poms.

I digress. Now, I know you all have taken a lot of abuse because of my alcohol-fueled rants. Well, tough shit! You gotta learn things the hard way. Hey, I SAID to stop talking, Missy! Do I need to stick something in your mouth to shut you up?

I know you have been asking the question: “What is this Ultimate Pleasure Device that you mentioned in last week’s lecture, our beloved Novanator?” “Can I build one of my own?” “Is it true that this device has taught you how to make women cum with orgasms so powerful it’ll make our freckles pop off?” “How did you train your hands to do what that machine is so proficient at?”

First of all, there were only five Ultimate Pleasure Devices ever made . My father found one and gave it to me. It was then stolen from me by some corrupt cops (“Corrupt cops” – that’s kinda repetitive, ain’t it?) and I have not been able to recover it. Second, unless you are a sick, perverted technological genius with the artistic talent of H.R. Geiger, the craftsmanship of Bob Villa, and the money of Bill Gates, you will NEVER be able to build one. And as to how I got my hands to do what it does...

Class, you know what a hummingbird is? This creature flaps its wings at a rate of 50 times per second. They have a long bill that seeks out the calyx of flowers. They take the nectar at a rate of 13 licks each second. When you see them feeding it seems as if the bird is stationed in midair. Then they leave the flower almost ENTIRELY untouched.

Apply this understanding to the topic of fondling the female genitalia.

Before I continue with this lecture, I must warn the ladies of the class: Don’t start to get a reaction that leads to wetness in your panties and prevents you from taking notes. I know this is a sexy (and sticky) subject, but you have to control yourselves. And gentlemen, quit your snickers! This information is VITAL to your very sexual existence. Do you really want to go through life thinking that doggy-style is the ultimate in sexual taboos? There is SO much more we haven’t even discussed yet, including Donkey Punches and the Angry Pirate. This technique opens the door to other topics that will further your exploration of women and what they mean to us. Plus, it will show you how to give a girl so much pleasure she will NEVER forget you – and it’ll ruin her for all others.

Now back to the subject, class. Ladies, when you masturbate, (and I know you do, Professor Nova has cameras in place in all of your dorm rooms) I have noticed you sometimes insert your middle finger into the pussy. From there you place your thumb on the clitoris and begin vibrating. Now through careful research I have discovered the secret to how you achieve orgasm: It is ALL in the wrist.

Gentlemen, can you picture in your heads what I am saying? Do you understand what this means? You must use their technique against them! Your hand is just as good as theirs! In fact, your wrists are stronger –thanks to online porn and chronic masturbation. And since the woman is feeling the sensation of someone else touching her private goodies, it should arouse the female even more.

Remember the lessons of the hummingbird! Does the bird show fear? Hesitation? I think not! Your hand must become like the hummingbird. You must use your middle finger as our little friend uses his beak. Insert and vibrate, using your wrist to maintain a stationary lock. Place your thumb on the clitoris and vibrate that as well. Kissing and biting her nipples may add to her experience. I also like to throw in a few good lines, like “Take it ALL, you dirty little girl! Call me Daddy Nova! Cum for me, you filthy, rotten whore!” (I find that this enhances her sexual pleasure and brings the female to an earthshaking climax.)

Well ladies, I am sure you are amazed I discovered your secret to pleasuring yourselves. It took years of research. Many subjects were left unfulfilled. Much crying ensued. Several lawsuits were filed. Gentlemen, heed the lesson of our flying feathered friend. The hummingbird is an example to us all. Go now with this knowledge and pollinate the land.

And as for the location of my stolen Ultimate Pleasure Device...

(Also, check out my Hummingbird Technique petition right here. You see, NBC’s shitty new show My Own Worst Enemy recently featured my patented Hummingbird Technique on the air, and those fuckin’ THIEVES failed to credit me as the move’s inventor. I hereby DEMAND that they give the Big Novowski the credit he rightly deserves. Rat bastards. Oh, I WILL get even with them. Just you wait. Before the end of 2009, I’m gonna skull-fuck that show into submission. Jeah.)