The Five Times Mr. Nova Couldn’t Get It Up

Mr. Nova is a sexual crusader – a fearless explorer of unknown cracks and crevices. He has planted his flag in many women from many different countries. He has porked beautiful debutants of all races, shapes and levels of sobriety. He has crossed deserts to reach wet vistas full of hot, naked, shaven snatch. But along the way – during the bloody battles to reach blissful bounty – Mr. Nova sometimes stumbles… or wilts… or undergoes the shameful metamorphosis from the Incredible Hulk back to David Banner.

In other words, every now and then my dick shrivels up like a stack of dimes.

I cannot lie to you, my Novanites. There have been times when I’ve failed to perform in the way most women have come (cum) to expect of me. Yet unlike most men, I freely acknowledge these penile shortcomings. I will not hide from my defeats and wallow in shame. Are you kidding me?! I am MR. FUCKING NOVA you muthafuckers! I am PROUD of the times I couldn’t get it up. My wanker was looking out for me, protecting your Novanator from hornball indiscretions by turning my York Peppermint Patty into a Junior Mint.

That being said, here are the five times my little lieutenant stayed stuck to my scrotum instead of standing up and saluting:

1. Atlantic City
The first time I couldn’t get it up was with a street whore in Atlantic City. I was 17-years-old and on a beach trip with three other delinquents from my neighborhood. Being too young to legally gamble, we thought it would be cool to rent a hooker’s snatch and play her slots. Now, for all of you that haven’t been to Atlantic City, you probably know this scene from the movies: Casinos on one side of the pavement – filled with all the Champaign-swilling high rollers… and ghetto trash just across the street, with seediness and despair stretching for blocks upon blocks.

We all pooled our money together and came up with $375. The prostitute wanted $400, or she wouldn’t let us take turns stabbing her stink-hole with our adolescent cocks. So Mr. Nova had to ask the guy at the casino if he could use the cash machine. The bouncer said, “21 and over only, kid! Take a fuckin’ hike.” I replied, “Hey, all I want is some money so I can get a taxicab ride home. My Pops left me outside so he could gamble. I haven’t seen him for hours and my Mom is worried. You guys don’t wanna be held liable for a young kid wandering the streets of Atlantic City at night, do you?” He reluctantly escorted young Nova to the ATM. I stood in line behind a bunch of old people spending their prescription drug money on blackjack and video poker. After finally getting the cash, I ran back outside to seal the deal with our hooker friend.

Now she wasn’t particularly bad looking. She had a big ass, platinum blond hair, some silicone-stuffed tits, and the strange smell of sperm and urine. But Mr. Nova was slated to go third after a quick round of Rock, Scissors, Paper with my buddies. (I always choose rock.)

Going third didn’t sit well with me.

When it was finally my turn to dump some jizz inside the skank, my wanker just wouldn’t function. The prostitute gently implored me to get in the mood by softly whispering in my ear: “Get hard already, you little fucking faggot!” I suddenly had an epiphany and stated out loud for the very first time: “Mr. Nova goes first – or not at all!”

I left the room. Two minutes later, the dude batting cleanup ran towards the whore with his shorts around his ankles. He was screaming like a madman: “Only one minute, baby!”

I thought to myself, “Dude, you paid $100 and nutted in one minute. I paid $100 and discovered a lifelong belief.”

Nothing really made sense that night.

2. I was 18, she was 16, it was a very good year…
I had just convinced my former girlfriend to give the Big Novowski another twirl in the sheets after spending a year apart. The fact that I once had to have her ARRESTED for trying to set fire to my car never entered my mind. All I was thinking about was dirty sex.

This tramp was a lithe little vixen with a stud in her tongue and a ring in her clit. I like that. Any woman who’s willing to painfully mutilate her body in order to marginally enhance a sexual experience is MY kinda babe. Unfortunately, she was also moody and emotionally unstable. Yeah, I know that ALL women are moody and emotionally unstable, but this bitch was borderline psychotic. For example, she believed that Sebastian Bach was channeling her secret love messages in his Skid Row songs. When I pointed out that Bach doesn’t even write his own lyrics, she got all defensive and tried to beat me over the head with a shovel. True story.

She had a new boyfriend (a little factoid that never really matters, does it?), but couldn’t stop thinking about 18-year-old Nova and his stringy 80s-era Heavy Metal hair. I told her we should go see a movie to catch up. Something romantic. While we were watching Full Metal Jacket she kept squeezing my hand so tight I knew I was going to get some sweet, sweet snatch.

We ended up making out on my parent’s driveway. I told her I wanted to make love to her.

“I can’t, Nova! My boyfriend is waiting for me!”

“It won’t take long… c’mon. Be a sport.”

She gave in and moments later we were upstairs.

She was great at giving a blowjob. Damn, I still miss that girl for her oral skills! But during this session she kept rushing me.

“I gotta go soon, my boyfriend will be mad!”

This did nothing for my stain-stick, as he retreated from battle like a Frenchman on the frontlines. I called my shlong a bastard piece of shit. The bitch got fed up and left. From this experience I had another moment of great clarity and discovered that Mr. Nova hates to be rushed.

3. Hairy girls
There was this girl in college who loved the Novanator. This was during my grunge period, where I kicked long (non-stringy) hair and played rock music all day and night. She was a fan. Nice face, big tits. One teeny tiny problem: She didn’t believe in shaving. Anything.

I decided against better judgment that I would fuck her anyway. It didn’t work out too well. She smelled strange, like sweat… and it was too close to the odors coming from my own body. I got grossed out. And that pubic hair! My Novanites, there is nothing worse than an untrimmed jungle near a girl’s snatch. Her pussy looked like guitar legend Slash – without his hat. Shave that shit OFF, ladies!

Her legs would rub against mine, creating a sound I imagine human-sized crickets would make. Hair against hair just doesn’t feel right. It’s disgusting.

She got pissed at me. “Why won’t your dick work?! My friends told me that you were the best ever!”

“Baby, you gotta shave. I can’t perform under these conditions.”

“But I believe in the equality of the sexes,” she replied, regurgitating the college feminist bullshit she’d been fed.

“That may be all good and well, but if you want the Novacock, you better do some trimming of the hedges. Nova ain’t fucking no Wookie.”

4. Drunk Nova and Jumanji
There was this girl named Jumanji. I don’t think that was her real name, but that’s all I knew her by. She lived two hours away in a friend’s hometown. He told me she was easy and introduced me to her while I was visiting. We exchanged numbers and I proceeded to pass out in the backyard Nova-style after a battle with a liter of rum and a six-pack of Coke.

About a month later, my VCR broke and I couldn’t watch any of my porn (this was before cyber-pussy was just a mouse-click away), so I gave her a call from my house. She drove two hours to see me. But I had forgotten it was strip club night. I didn’t want to bail on Mr. Nova’s friends and miss the tit-fest. This girl was going to have to come along.

She arrived. To my credit, ladies, I did cook her a damn good meal. I’m a helluva chef. But to all of you vegetarians, I grilled up New York strip steaks – marinated with a few packets of Taco Bell fire sauce that I found underneath my sofa cushions. (Mm! Steak! Take THAT, you dumb humus-eating bitches.) After the classy dinner, I joined my boys and hit the town.

She was pissed when all the clubs we went into had naked ladies prancing around. I tried to make her give the girls a $5 bill, but she resisted. The more she tried to deny her innate lesbian tendencies, the more I drank. And drank… and drank…

I don’t know what time we got home. All I know is that she drove. That was a mistake! I should never have let her behind the Novamobile’s wheel. I would have been better off passing out in the driver’s seat and telling her to fetch a cab back to her car. She changed my rearview mirror around and everything.

Anyway, when this mirror-changing-control-freak-of-a-babe got us back to the house, she said she was gonna spend the night. I was too shit-faced to argue. I put in Good Will Hunting as our late night cinema experience. I was really, REALLY intoxicated. I asked her for a blowjob. She said she didn’t do that. I should have kicked her out then, my Novanites. Yet another mistake – ‘cause I knew for a FACT that she had blown Chicago Cubs pitcher [NAME CENSORED] during spring training.

“You blew [NAME CENSORED] and you won’t blow ME? C’mon! Baseball’s a pussy sport anyway. So drop to your knees and get ready to brush your teeth with tartar-control Nova!”

She just laughed, thinking I was kidding. (I wasn’t.) Next thing I know, she slid off her thong, pointed her ass in the air, and was ready to be mounted.

“Fuck me, Nova! Fuck me! Ooh, ooh! Fuck me, Nova! Fuck me!”

I saw this dog in heat – twitching, ready for the cock. I started to laugh. And laugh… and laugh. I was so drunk it was funny. Needless to say she got up and left without saying a word.

Never heard from her again. It was a COMPLETE waste of steak.

5. That time I ate all those jalapeño poppers.
Needless to say, this was an ugly night. The poppers were on special for happy hour. So were the margaritas. She wasn’t a beauty. It didn’t matter. I got sick while on top of her while we were shedding clothes in the restaurant bathroom.

Have you ever had to puke while also having the shits? Let’s just say she didn’t look all that presentable when we left the restaurant.

Well, my Novanites, I hope we all learned something from this. I did. I learned that my wanker is looking out for me at ALL times. Even when I desperately want him to work and Punxsutawney Nova keeps seeing his shadow, I know his slug-on-salt routine is always in my best interest.

So next time you get frustrated – ‘cause it’s closing time and you’re trying to bang a heifer with a hairlip in the back alley – don’t get mad at your pecker for going AWOL. He is just doing what is right.

Any dissenters still in the audience? Well, look at it this way: the human dick will normally fuck just about ANYTHING. And guys fuck weird things, too – animals, holes in grounds, socks, carved-open fruits, pastries, their hands, other men, rolled-up magazines, Star Jones, etc. So, on the odd occasion when your richard refuses to play ball, don’t start poppin’ Viagra or cursing the little guy out. He has your best interests at heart.

Thanks, buddy!