It is a secret hidden deep within the minds of spooge-spewing adventurers across the world. Monks in distant temples lock away its secrets in dusty catacombs that no mortal can comprehend. All who know of its existence cling to the knowledge like it’s the last bastion of all that’s perverse and good.
Listen closely: The secret is called The Trifecta, my Acolytes of the Hummingbird. I first realized its importance when I was 17-years-old. I was banging out this hot 18-year-old brunette in her parent’s living room late at night when the headlights of a first-edition SUV flashed through the windows. The girl got scared: “We got to put our clothes on! My mom will be so pissed if she sees us fucking on her floor! They just steam cleaned it – and my Mom HATES IT when my boyfriends leave pecker-tracks on the carpet!” (I was beginning to sense that my sweet innocent princess wasn’t a virgin.)
“Ah, the carpet does smell fresh! I compliment your Mom on her housekeeping. But hold on, I can finish quick!” With that I started pumping faster.
“But you’ve been reaming me out for over an hour!” she whined, in a mixture of pleasure, urgency, and affinity for her carpet’s sanctity.
“Don’t worry, my buxom buttercup, I have been reading this book I found at the library, and it allows me to cum at a moment’s notice. It’s called Jizz at Will with Nary a Spill by Dr. Eli Hummer.” One second passed. “Ahhhhh, there we go!”
After I was done we grabbed our clothes and raced for the basement. As we finishing getting dressed, the door opened and her parents walked inside.
“WE’RE HOME!” her mother cried out. It is typical of parents to announce their presence – for they know that evil is always lurking when their teenage daughter is left alone. And yes, I was evil that night! I also left some of that evil on the carpet. Oh, well. I could jizz at will… but I hadn’t read the “Nary a Spill” chapter of the book yet.
After we composed ourselves, my girl and I headed upstairs. The parents were unpacking groceries. The father never paid any attention to me and probably thought I was just another in a long line of suitors for his daughter. I would be gone within a month – two months tops. Why bother getting to know me? Smart man.
The mother took a liking to me. She gave me little smiles here and there. I always thought she wanted the Nova-jang.
I played the good boyfriend and told my girl I had to go home. We walked outside and before I opened my car door I said: “Your Mom looks good. How old was she when she had you? You two could be sisters.”
Girlfriends HATE that shit. But I wanted the answer.
“She had me when she was 16. God, what a fucked-up way to put things, Nova! She is like, totally old and stuff. Sisters?! Ew!” She started to walk away.
“Yeah, Ok, don’t worry about it. But don’t forget, tomorrow is Sandwich Day in the cafeteria. I think this week’s special is roast beef on rye. But the cafeteria ladies don’t know how to make a decent sandwich, so could you make one for me? I like turkey, pepper-jack cheese, mayonnaise, mustard, onions, green peppers, pickles, and jalapeno peppers – on a Kaiser roll. Thanks, Sweet Tits!” I affectionately called out to her as she was nearing the front door of her house. She opened it and slammed it behind her.
As I drove home in the first Nova Wagon (a yellow masterpiece with wood paneling), I started thinking about my girl’s mom. If she was 16 when she gave birth to my buxom beauty, and now her daughter was 18… that would make her… carry the one… 34. Not a bad age to bang out!
Then I also thought about how all of the dudes at school always talked about fucking their girlfriend’s moms. It was the topic of many stupid lunchtime debates – whether or not you could score with someone’s mom, or if that car in Knight Rider was real. (And I STILL think scientists could build that car if they really wanted to, and I don’t care what ANYONE says. But I digress.)
To nail a hot babe AND her Mom would surely make you a high school deity. Unfortunately, most of these adolescent fantasies are fueled by the skewed caricatures of Hollywood films. (Besides, most of my numb-nut classmates hadn’t eyed a piece of adult ass since they wandered into the wrong dressing room at J.C. Penney’s. What the fuck did they know?) But teen-Nova’s sexual-musings were something different. Mine were fueled by the spirit of an adventurer!
I knew it would be AMAZING to Nova-Style a daughter-mother combo, but I was interested in taking it one step further. And I had to work out the details...
I pulled up in my driveway and raced up to my room. I passed by my parent’s door (locked again, with animalistic sounds echoing throughout the house) and headed straight for my desk. I had to start messing with some numbers (and you know how much I hate mathematics) to come up with the ultimate equation.
18 (my girl’s age)
+ 16 (her mother’s age when my girl was born)
= 34
Now, if my girl’s mother’s mother was anywhere between 16 to 20 when she gave birth to my girl’s mother… then Grandma would be in the 50 to 54 age range.
Still perfectly fuckable!
“Wait!” I said out loud. I could hear my father banging out my mother in the next room. It was disturbing, but for some reason the headboard clanking against the wall jarred something loose in my mind. I had to get past a certain wall that young men put up for themselves that limits sexual possibilities.
Young men have this crazy belief that fucking a Grandma is bad.
I had to get past the fear of knocking the cobwebs out of older snatch. I had to overcome my prejudice against dusty, wrinkly, calloused pussy. I realized there are plenty of benefits to Granny-Loving, such as the lady’s experience in the sexual arts, and not having to worry about her popping out any new kids. As to the negatives... well, you just don’t go bragging to the fellas about how you banged out some 54-year-old cooter.
Unless you complete The Trifecta.
When I was 17 it came to me. The Trifecta takes it all the way, past the primitive “Mothers I’d Like to Fuck” (commonly referred to as a MILF) fantasy and into an almost Zen-like state of perfection. After wrestling with mathematics I discovered the Trifecta equation – with the help of Novanometry, if you will:
Bang the daughter + Bang the mother + Bang the grandmother = The Trifecta.
Have I ever achieved The Trifecta? Not yet, my Novanites, but one day I shall.
I never had the chance to get into the panties of the 18-year-old girl’s 34-year-old mother. I broke up with the bitch when she forgot to put pickles in my turkey sandwich. (Stupid cunt.) But if I did, I would’ve made a V-line straight for the grandmother’s nursing home and put on the Nova-charm:
“So Granny, have you heard of the Hummingbird? Pop in your teeth and spread your legs!”
“Ok, Sonny, Ok. But first, put a doily on the floor. We don’t like to stain the carpet in my family.”
“I know, I know…”
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