The Book of Novatry

Many, many moons ago – after a lusty night of topless dancers, binge drinking, and whip-cracking unprotected sex with blurry-looking hookers – I awoke in the middle of a gravel road… and a Christ-like revelation came to me. My booze-numbed mind rattled a beautiful psalm of love and humility. Hastily, I crawled home and fired-up the computer.

I wrote down what I would later call my first “nome.” Now, what is a nome, my dear students of Novology? Well, if you had opened your textbook entitled The Book of Novatry you would find out!

A “nome,” my beloved Novanites, is a poem – only done Nova-Style! Instead of poetry, think novatry!

Here is an example:


The Novanator

I’m the Sexecutioner of the clitoris
I always hit and never miss
And keep my bitch in a state of bliss
I pull out my jang and nut on her belly
I leave that girl smelly
Her name was Kim... or maybe it’s Kelly?

Now go and make me a sandwich, bitch
Your rash better not make my Johnson itch
Slice some turkey and some cheese
Go put some Band-Aids on your knees
I’ll eat the sandwich really fast
And bust a nut in your ass!

It’s because I am the Novanator
A fornicating instigator
When I was a kid I was a chronic masturbator.

I looked at my first nudie mag at age seven
Even if there isn’t a God, I knew there was a heaven
Saw two bitches eat each other in front of me at age 11
I’ll NEVER have sex with someone named Kevin.

I am the person mothers fear the most
Because I’m cool as jelly and hot as toast!
I am the Novanator!


Yes, there is nothing like crafting a good, high-quality nome. It may not be better than banging out sweet shaven snatch, but it is a nice way to get some thoughts out after pounding a 12-pack of Corona.

Here is another one:


Ode to the Hummingbird

Oh Hummingbird, you take flight,
You stick your beak into nectar,
Find a flower nice and tight,
Eat ‘em up like Hannibal Lecter!

You don’t like chewing bubble gum,
But vibrate with the greatest of ease,
Flap those wings ‘til it’s time to cum,
‘Cause the flower is a bitch to please!


It is easy to write a nome, my beloved Novanites. Whenever I get a chance, I write down lines of novatry, always gleaning inspiration from a myriad of sources. Write about what you know! Write about what you WANT to know. Better yet, write some sappy sentimental shit that’ll get your ass laid. Want an example?


Dearly Beloved

Your beauty takes my breath away,
And makes me glad that I’m not gay.
You cast a spell upon my worm,
I love you, bitch – now eat my sperm.


See? Ain’t novatry magical? You can almost hear the harps playing in the background, can’t you? Bitches get so WET when they hear a well-written nome, they’ll literally slide across the floor, as if water skiing. Swoosh, swoosh!

And if your nome falls upon deaf ears, well, just put a hip-hop beat behind it and start rapping. Fuck, it’ll STILL be better than that repulsive Ludacris garbage.

So start writing – and start making this world a more melodious place.

Jeah.