The Call Back

You went to the club and expected nothing to come of it. Until – in a drunken haze and a mild case of the horniness – you saw her nursing a cocktail in the shadows. So you talked to her. You forge some sort of half-hearted connection, traded numbers, and went back home to pass out.

The very next day you wake up around noon, pop a few Aspirin, drink your coffee, and take a watery shit. Breakfast is cereal and beer. There’s a football game on TV that you SORELY want to see. Hell, if Chicago covers the point spread, you’ll have rent-money for the next two months.

Settled in with feet kicked up, tortilla chips and more beer in hand, life couldn’t get ANY better.

Phone rings. You check the caller ID. “Who the fuck is this?” you wonder.

“Hello?” you say, chips in mouth and beer in hand.

“Hey, remember me from the club? It’s ME! Blah blah blah blah blah blah! Wow, I had a super-wonderful time last night! It’s so HARD meeting new people! My last boyfriend was SUCH a dick. But you seem SO cool! I already told my friends all about you. By the way, what are you doing later?”

“Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick,” you think, “the fucking GAME is starting!”

What to do? You hardly remember this girl from the night before. Maybe she’s crazy – or even worse: completely fuckin’ normal! You could wake up with a bunny rabbit in the boiling pot. She might drug your ass and Bobbitt your schlong. Yeah, the sex might be tremendous… but it wouldn’t be worth it. It’s almost never worth it.

“Uh, I am kinda busy,” you say (with nacho cheese sauce dripping into your new cell phone), “Can I call you back?”

Silence. Then: “Um, Ok, that sounds—”

Click.

You pick up your cell phone, click on the address book, find her number and erase it. Got a bad feeling from this one.

What was it? Lack of confidence? Yes, but even worse: Desperation. In this fucked-up world, NOTHING scares a single man more than a desperate woman. Someone who says things like: “I’m looking to get married. I want kids. I want a stable man to provide for me.”

The single man screams: “LIKE I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, ALREADY!”

Ladies, please let me tell you something about the single man: He UNDERSTANDS what you want. He has read about it in books, seen it on TV, maybe even been married before and has kids. But DON’T throw yourself out there in a desperate attempt to escape loneliness.

So let’s come back to the initial call back – our single woman’s first mistake. It is best to wait AT LEAST two days before dialing those digits. Give the single dude some time to breathe. Let him wonder and wait. If he doesn’t call you after the first week, THEN give it a try.

Call between 7:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. on a weekday. People are usually home then and winding down from work. A phone call would be a welcomed distraction at this stage.

Make the phone call brief, five minutes tops. Touch base, try to make the other person laugh. Remind the dude of a topic you discussed over body shots (if you were lucky enough to do those). Be clever. Don’t set up a date unless he does. If he doesn’t suggest a date, THEN call back before the weekend and ask.

It is ok to be a little aggressive; just don’t be psycho, crazy and desperate.

The first call is the most important step next to a first impression. If you want to seal the deal you have to know who you are signing up with. Do you research ladies, and things will be alright.

And if you STILL can’t meet anybody, just hangout near the condom aisle at the supermarket. SOMEONE will talk to you, eventually. I promise you that.