Mr. Nova’s Guide to Strip Clubs

The lure of the strip club can be intoxicating, my beloved Novanites. It is like a beacon of neon lights, calling you inside from the cold. These glowing lights promise warm, hot shaven snatch for you to view (and perhaps take home with you). It all seems so seedy and dangerous. It makes you feel like you are getting away with a CRIME just by being there. And if you have a girlfriend or are (imaginary-God forbid) married, you find the strip club a place where the inner-male-dog can come out and play for a while. Woof!

But it is all an illusion. A façade devised to take one thing away from you:

Your money!

Strippers are gold diggers. They sell their bodies much like a prostitute, except that most of the time no orgasm is involved (Unless you go to the backroom of a certain dive in West Virginia – where you can get $10 blowjobs from heroin addicts. And of course, unless you’re a coke dealer.). It is all tease and titillation. Smoke and mirrors. Nudity and no climax.

Hell, most of the bitches that work at these clubs aren’t even that hot!

So why do we, as hot-blooded males, waste our money in these sanctuaries of pussy and boobs?

It is because we can. And we will. And hey – it is fun to look.

We are voyeurs.

Nova has long since given up going to the strip clubs. Unless it is the occasional bachelor party (most of my friends are married – poor fucks) your Novanator prefers to call up one of his many Friends with Benefits, or to stay at home and work on some sick beats Dr. Dre only WISHES he could lay down. It just isn’t worth the time and money. It isn’t like you can whip your jang out and stroke it while the stripper dances in front of you.

That can get you arrested. (I’ll tell you a story about it later.)

So if you must venture out to the neighborhood strip club, take these following warnings to heart. I hereby present:

Mr. Nova’s Eleven Rules for Tittie Bars

1. Don’t bring your credit card with you
Cash only, my Novanites. If you give the establishment a credit card to run your tab on, you are most likely going to end up spending three to fives times as much money as you thought you would.

2. Don’t go into a strip club alone
Nothing screams “desperate” or “loser psycho” more than going to a strip club by yourself. Rent a porno instead, for fuck’s sake! Smoke a bong, nut on a towel, and then pass out. You’ll feel better about yourself and save a lot of money. My neighborhood porn shop sees me so much, I have a line of credit. You think a strip club is going to grant you one of those unless you have millions of dollars in the bank? And don’t go to a strip club while there’s still daylight outside.

3. Don’t ask a stripper to be your girlfriend
The ONLY thing these bitches want is your money. They are paid to be nice to you, even if you are a dork with a comic book collection – or a three-toothed invalid from Kentucky. They most likely HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS so much that they want to puke each time they have to grind their ass in front of you. In a way, it’s justice that these whores are demeaned in such a filthy manner – all for a few greenbacks. Money can buy you a lot of shit, but it can’t buy back pride.

That being said, NO WAY is a stripper going to go out with you unless you are loaded. In Stripper-World, it’s considered bad etiquette to even give out your digits. One stripper I know did this and even called “clients” on the days she was working. Stupid bitch thought this was an innovative way to make more money. She figured she would bring them in, build a business relationship, and not have to fuck any of them. But when the dudes realized she wasn’t going to give up the trizzle, they stopped coming. And the money ran dry.

Repeat after me: Strippers cannot be girlfriends. And even they WANTED to be your girlfriend, once the excitement of fucking a stripper wears off and the infection clears, you won’t be able to handle the realities of her profession. Think about how PISSED you got when you caught your girlfriend talking too much to that guy at the Halloween party. Ok? Now multiple that by a zillion. I mean, just imagine saying this everyday: “Bye honey, hope lots of dudes drool over your tits and try to reach up and smack your ass! Hope you sell a lot of lap dances! Give me a kiss before you spread your beaver in front of all the guys I knew back in high school!”

If the dude can look past all of the shit that goes along with being a stripper, more power to him. But he is probably one sick muthafucker in the head.

4. Don’t buy the strippers any drinks
I warn you, my Novanites, when the stripper does her rounds to talk to you she is looking for one thing: MONEY! She might ask you to buy her a drink. She’ll tell you that she is only allowed to drink Champagne. This is bullshit! The drink will cost you $15 or more. Chances are this will turn up as a hidden charge on your credit card when you get the receipt back. You won’t even know it has happened until it is too late! These bitches are shiesty!

Besides, she has PLENTY of whisky, weed and crank backstage.

(Oh, and when making small talk with the strippers, constantly hint at having a big supply of coke in your car. You’ll get LOTS of one-on-one attention this way, and might even be able to swap a bag of Sweet & Low for a hummer.)

5. Don’t get too wasted
There are a lot of mean, horrible people who run these clubs. Many of them are just DYING for an excuse to kick the shit out a patron. Getting extremely drunk anywhere is usually a bad idea, unless it is done in a calculated effort to violently piss someone off (preferably with a gallon of gasoline, a Zippo, and a designated driver). You don’t want to make the strip club owners angry. They have plenty of bouncers and weapons.

It could get ugly.

6. Don’t touch the girls
You don’t know where the fuck these bitches have been! More importantly, you don’t know how ornery the BOUNCERS are. If you ever want to get your ass kicked in record time, start getting grabby with a stripper. Most of the bouncers are over-protective eunuchs with a rap sheet.

So even if you really, truly believe that the bouncer’s Mom is a crackhead whore, it’s probably best if you kept that opinion to yourself.

7. Don’t touch anything in the bathroom
Pretend it’s a soccer game and only use your feet!

8. DO NOT be a sucker and insist on getting a lap dance from the hottest, sexiest stripper in the bar.
Or only focus on the stripper with the biggest tits. That’s a rookie mistake. Instead, get a lap dance from the stripper who’s most obviously hooked on illegal drugs – ‘cause she’ll be FAR more liberal when it comes to “touching.” Trust your Novanator on this.

9. Never wear underwear into a tittie bar.
And always wear your absolutely thinnest pair of pants. It’ll make the lap dances much more enjoyable.

10. If you’re at one of those strip clubs that’s fully nude and doesn’t serve alcohol, make sure you’re butt-wasted BEFORE you pay the cover charge.
‘Cause the LAST thing you want is to be sober enough to realize how fuckin’ pathetic your life has become.

11. Finally, if you’re at one of those high-end tittie bars that has a tuxedo-dressed guy in the men’s bathroom with a supply of cologne and a tip jar, DO NOT feel obligated to give him a frickin’ dime.
Besides, he’s not really in there to sell you a spritz of Polo anyway, man. He’s there to make sure you’re not wacking off in the john! Tittie bars NEED their patrons to be horny and frustrated in order to be profitable, and operate under a strict “no-wacky” policy.

Yes, print out these eleven rules and send ‘em to your friends. This is important information, my Novanites!

Your Novantor will always prefer porn to strip clubs in terms of more value for your buck. In this information age, we all want to be able to control our entertainment options – and the nudie bars just don’t do it for most people anymore.

Hopefully, if you do decide to hit the strip clubs, you’ll plan ahead and ask a Friends with Benefits to wait for you back home. That way you can get turned on and then come home and bang her out.

Maybe even have a pole installed in the bedroom where your girl can spin around like a dancer! It is better than wasting your time with a bunch of fake-titted whores who are going to be burnt out hags in a few years, turning tricks on the streets of Albuquerque.

Serves those money-grubbing, gold-digging bitches right!

Just lookin’ out for my Novanites.