I’m an Ass-Man – And Proud of it!

Mr. Nova would like to pay homage to his favorite recreational pastime: Getting beautiful women drunk enough to let me fuck them hard in the asshole.

(Look, we all have hobbies. Some people collect stamps. Others play golf. I prefer to spend my weekends ass-fucking drunk girls. It’s all good.)

First of all, let me thank the wonderful women who have let me enter their most sacred of realms. They really should be given a round of applause for their caring nature and sweet bottoms, allowing me to open that tunnel and do some spelunking. You all have TRULY made my life a remarkable (and slightly unpleasant-smelling) adventure. Here’s why ass-love is king:

1. The ass is tighter than most pussies.

Sure, every once in awhile you can find a nice, petite Japanese gymnast whose snatch can constrict on your dick like a snake swallowing an apple. And that’s fine. But let’s face it: tiny girls just don’t have enough meat on their bones to handle ass-love. You need a good, healthy American woman who’s been raised on a diet of Happy Meals and deep-fried McNuggets – so you can slap their ass and ride in the wave. Too great an onus (I love that word) has been placed on women being toothpick-skinny in order to be attractive. This isn’t plausible due to the way most women are built. Girls are meant to bear children – so wide hips and big butts are a must! Mr. Nova came from a nice, Victorian-painting style mother! Mom might’ve has a little cushion for the pushing, but at least she was fun to do in the ass (At least that’s what Poppa Nova used to tell me whenever he drank whisky. Pops also told me to NEVER try to score with a woman who has a black eye – ‘cause obviously she already HAS a boyfriend, and apparently she doesn’t listen very well. But I digress.).

Mom did shave her pussy, though. (I accidentally walked in on Mom and Dad while they were role-playing “Dirty Dentist” and examining each others’ cavities. Don’t ask me any more about this, please.) Back to the article:

2. Anal sex reduces the risks of pregnancy.

It is damn hard to get a girl pregnant by cumming inside her sweet anus. Here’s a hint: If you’ve only ass-fucked the waitress at Denny’s a few dozen times, and she shows up on your doorstep nine months later with a stroller and a deed to your bank account, chances are she’s a lying bitch who smells like the Grand Slam menu.

3. Hey, It is a huge turn-on to be inside the anal nether region.

I love it because it is dirty! There is no natural lubrication! You gotta go buy stuff and squirt it on that sweet spot. I put a little on the head of my cock so it will slide in better.

For more excitement, do it in front of a mirror so you can watch her boobs bob up and down. And make her wear a bib. Then give her a good spanking while you are at it. Bad girl! Bad girls need to be punished.

4. It feels good.

Hey, she may be uncomfortable for a few moments… but she’ll get used to it. Remember, ladies – this is for the progression of your relationship. If you don’t do it, your man will find a girl who will.

Don’t hold it over our heads that you don’t find it pleasurable. Read a few books on the subject and I am sure you’ll come (cum) around. It will feel good when done right. Coach your man on what feels pleasurable… and shut your mouth if it hurts! Relationships aren’t all about YOU, ya silly bitch. Sheesh. Give a little, you shallow wench.

5. It is a sin.

According to many churchgoers, ass-fucking violates the celestial mandate of God Almighty. Hey, I don’t believe in God, so I’ll pound away! It is forbidden by many laws, state and federal. Well… how many laws do we break every day, every hour? This is one law I will proudly violate, with videotapes to show the judge as evidence. I will scream from the mountain tops, from the halls of justice, and inside my prison cell:

“America, I admit it: I am an ass man!”

(Say… anyone got any soap? My dick stinks.)